Star Trek
Voyager: “Threshold”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | 5 USERS: C
The One With The Salamander Sex
Kim downloads the sh'pod logs into Voyager's computer, and Torres confirms that the data coming in proves that Paris was, in fact, everywhere. They're getting information in the gigoquads. "It would appear that the theory of infinite velocity is correct," Janeway muses. "It may be possible to occupy every point in the universe simultaneously." But why would you want to? Because then you would have literally seen EVERYthing, and there would just be nothing left to life. Torres -- who apparently has no one missing her back home -- tears up over the fact that, if used properly, infinite velocity could be used to get them home. The really pathetic thing about Voyager is that you sit through these episodes, watching them get all excited about a miniscule wormhole, or a new technology, or something else that will get them home, and you already know it's not going to work. You don't always know why it's not going to work, but you still know and you can't tear your eyes away. You feel the need to hungrily watch their practically tactile disappointment with each fresh failure. Of course, Janeway sees the bigger picture in all this and rambles on that it would change space and space travel as they know it. But isn't half the fun in the getting there? And therefore, wouldn't this new technology effectively ruin the point of my parents RV-ing across all the Americas? Hang on, how do we do this, again? Janeway orders Torres to use the information to make a star chart of their sector. Mess. Neelix pours coffee and informs the non-caring Torres and Paris that it's a new blend he's named "Paris Delight." When Paris doesn't react, Neelix -- always in need of attention -- leans over and says, "It's in honor of you." Paris recalls himself and gives Neelix the barest of thanks. Neelix snits off. Maybe he'd be more responsive if you gave the coffee a name that actually had some balls, dude. Instead of a namby "This reminds of that little café in Gary, Indiana" name, call that shit "Warp Ten" or "Infinite Velocity." I know I'd stop hitting my snooze button for a big ol' cup of Infinite Velocity, I'll tell you what. Paris swigs his coffee and makes a face, gagging that he wishes Neelix would name something after him that tastes better. Torres sips her coffee and finds nothing objectionable about it. As Paris technochats about what all they need to do with the calibrating and shit, he pauses and looks nauseated. He doesn't think Paris Delight is actually delighting Paris, and eventually falls right down on to the floor, groaning. When Torres reaches him, we can see that Paris has developed varicose veins ON HIS HEAD! Torres can't get Paris beamed to Sickbay because the transporter dude says that Paris's pattern keeps changing and he can't get a lock. I think the transporter dude was being lazy and just didn't want to put down his sandwich right then, so he was all, "Yep. Can't...quite get a lock. His pattern's changing all over the place. Tell you what, I'll try again later, 'kay?" Then he grumbled to himself that there's always a "medical emergency" right when he's in the middle of his favorite hot Delvian pastrami on Risa.

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