Wasteland

Episode Report Card
Wendola: D | 458 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Double Date

Jesse walks into the coffee shop to meet Coffee Boy. She really lights up the room, mainly because she's displaying so very much pale cleavage that it creates a reflective surface. She sits herself and her Glo-Rack down at Coffee Boy's table, though he barely looks up from his paper. "In case you're wondering where I'm going all dressed up, the answer is -- out," says Jesse, while Coffee Boy continues to not care. But she persists: "It's Friday night, and I have plans! So I can't stay too long. Do I look all right?" and then she must have reflected enough solar bodice beams to distract him from his reading because suddenly he looks up at her all dazed. "You look gorgeous, actually," he says, and she does look pretty nice, with her hair down. DOWN. "Thank you," she says. "So -- how's the novel going?" Oh my God, Coffee Boy is writing a novel? What's it called, Bright Lights, Big Latté? Coffee Boy starts to tell her about how his publisher wants the first six chapters next week, but clearly he's mesmerized, and Jesse reaches over and brushes some biscotti crumbs off Coffee Boy's face. Perhaps he hopes she'll stick around so that he can read the paper by the light of her breasts.

It's time for "Jewels: Unplugged" at Callbacks. She introduces her next song: "It's by a talented songwriter, and it's filled with misery and pain, which is perfect for me," though Jewels looks like she's experienced about as much misery and pain as a Furby. She strums her guitar and sings the "Full Moon Rising" song, and I'd figured she would've upped the Pain And Misery Factor by adding lyrics like, "when the full moon rises, I'm lost, I cannot see / I put on my pleather boots and dress like a refugee." But she sings the song as originally written, and Vandy is impressed. Even though, as my friend Chels pointed out, she's playing air acoustic guitar, and the real guitar kind of gets in the way.

Ty enters the bathroom where Dawnie is finishing getting ready for her date. You'd think for something like this she'd be wearing a nice little dress from the Gap or something, but she's got a full-length strappy black formal thing on. "You look incredible," says Ty, trying to stay cool. "Thank you," says Dawnie, a bit snottily, "and you look --" she looks him up and down. He's wearing Russell's clothes, a dark V-neck sweater with one wide stripe and matchy-matchy trousers, and he looks good, but frankly he also looks like Captain Fabulous of the Rainbow Enterprise. Dawnie does us all a favor and goes off on the way he's putting mousse in his hair, but then Russell comes in and mousses, too. He and Ty start reminiscing about the last time they double-dated and took their dates to Hooters. Dawnie's like, "Hello? Ex-girlfriend in the room!" like she'd really want to go to Hooters, too. "Come on," says Ty, "that was long before I met you." Dawnie calls Ty "Mousse Man" (heh!), and Ty's like, "Well, at least I'm not totally overdressed for my date" (HEH!), and then Dawnie says, "Seeing as how WE never went on a date, how would you know?" "We did so go on dates!" says Ty. "A fraternity kegger is not a date!" says Dawnie. ["Oh, now you tell me!" says Sars.]

Wasteland

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