Wasteland
Double Date

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Double Date

DA's office. Time again for another minute and a half of gritty, hard-hitting legal drama from Vince 'n' Sam. I mean, did someone in a focus group say, "You know, I really like Law and Order, except it's too long, and there's always, like, a plot"? Vince gets on Sam's case about a quote she gave to a reporter investigating alleged misuse of funds, although Sam says she gave the party line about all expenditures being on the record, and -- oh God, I'm not going to go into this. Sam's just in big trouble, okay? And Vince dumps some big honking boxes of receipts on her desk and she has to work late going through them. And if this isn't enough for you, then I suggest you make little Sam and Vince finger puppets and hold them up in front of the TV during a rerun of Murder One.

Next we see Ty, temping as a switchboard operator for "Donald, Meier, Franklin and Brown." A woman in a short-skirted Ally McSkank business suit walks up and bends waaay over Ty to put a folder on the desk. "Hey, Mrs. Frinkle," says Ty. "'Ms.,'" she corrects him, "and today's your last day temping, Ty, so call me Felicia." Felicia Frinkle. Okay, is this a porno? Like, where else are you going to have a lecherous female lawyer character named Felicia freaking Frinkle sitting on a desk? But I guess it's a real office, and Ty is really just temping, because Felicia Frinkle sort of awkwardly asks him out to dinner, since it's his last day "and it's not, technically, sexual harassment." Ty says, "I'd love to," and yep, it's a real office, because otherwise the sleazy "waukachicka-waukachicka-waukachicka" music would have begun playing by now.

In a restaurant somewhere, the waiter spills iced tea on Russell and apologizes. "You seem a little nervous," says Russell. The waiter, whose name is Justin, says he has an audition -- he's an actor, though he's just starting out. "I'm sure it's only a matter of time," says Russell. "You've got the looks." "Thanks," says Justin, "that means a lot, coming from you." He confesses that he's a fan of Russell's soap acting and tells him, "You're not a bad-looking guy yourself." Russell looks at Justin and tries to figure out what that means, but unfortunately for Russell, his operating system runs only Microsoft Gaydar 2.0, which means there's not much that he's able to detect. At best, he can figure out that "sometimes, waiters are gay."

Whatever moment they have is interrupted when Corey Hart comes in and plunks himself down at Russell's table. Oh, wait, it's Ty. Nice sunglasses, Ty. Justin says to Russell, "Let me know when you're ready," which Might Be Meaningful, and gives him a look that Might Be Meaningful, and walks off. Russell acts completely amazed. "That guy was totally flirting with me," he says. ABC executives hold up a huge banner that reads, "GOT THAT? FLIRTING! JUST LIKE REAL GAY PEOPLE!" "Why don't you ask him out?" asks Ty. "Not possible," says Russell. "What, gay guys don't date?" says Ty. ABC executives hold up another banner: "HA, HA! WE KNEW YOU'D ASK THAT QUESTION! WELL, UM, IN FACT . . . "No, I don't date," Russell says. "Do you know how much I'd like to go out on a real date with a normal man?" But he says that he's scared of being outed, his career being ruined, fear of commitment, blah blah. Ty is like, "That's stupid." Justin comes back and asks if they're ready to order. "I think Russell's pretty sure what he'd like," says Ty. Heh. Russell kicks him under the table, fudges a bit, and asks Justin for some crushed red pepper. "Do you want some actual food first?" asks Justin. Russell is chagrined. Justin better hurry up with that pepper, because this is going to be one bland storyline.

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