Double Date

Episode Report Card
Wendola: D | Grade It Now!
Double Date

Sam in the DA's office, working her little butt off. If this were Dukes of Hazzard, then right now Waylon Jennings as the Balladeer would get to say, "Looks like ol' Sam got herself knee-high in a pig-swamp o' trouble."

At Callbacks (slogan: "Where Everybody Knows Your Name: 'Loser'") Vandy walks in to begin work, wearing black flares, black jacket, and sideburns a-go-go. He's trying out his new "Vandy Of The Verve" look. He notices a girl sitting at the bar reading a crumpled-up piece of paper and asks her, "What are you doing?" The girl is pretty snotty: "Is that a trick question? I'm reading sheet music." He snatches it away from her, saying, "That's private!" It must be his bittersweet symphony! "Well then!" the girl snaps. "I found it in the trash, so that makes it public." Vandy says, "We don't let customers rifle through the trash," and it looks like Snot Girl got her jacket that way too. "It's a good thing I work here," she says. Vandy looks confused, and the woman introduces herself: "I'm Jewels, the new singer-slash-waitress." "They hired a singer?" says Vandy, amazed. "Slash, waitress" says Jewels. I know, I know -- the official credits have this character's name spelled as "Jules," but the captioning spelled it "Jewels." And if the folks who type the captions feel that she represents a certain name brand of folksy, guitar-playing, airbrushed-fresh-faced, childlike, pseudo-urchin hippydippiness in the plural form, then I'm inclined to agree. So Jewels figures out that the song was Vandy's and that it got rejected by a record company. "They say here that it's flat and uninspired," she says, reading their comments. "It's not that bad. It's just . . . well, it's happy." Vandy gives her the old stink-eye while she continues, "It's that Partridge Family fluffy love-song stuff -- it's lame. And it's weak." And you used to be on Kate and Allie, Jewels, so shut up.

Dawnie answers the Virgin Vault door and lets in Jesse, who's all worked up about something. "Tell me everything you know about dating," she asks Dawnie. "Personally speaking or anthropologically speaking?" says Dawnie, marking the first time in history she has actually made that distinction. "Because personally speaking, I don't know anything," she says, and anthropologically speaking, "there's actually a subsection of my thesis on dating in the millennium!" Let me guess -- it's called Ty Sucks. While she folds some laundry, Dawnie proceeds to rattle off a history of dating, starting in the 1950s with the malt shop; then came the sexual revolution, feminism, and post-feminism, and for once Dawnie actually sounds like she sort of knows what she's talking about, although she gestures emphatically with a bra from the laundry pile in case anyone gets too bored or takes her too seriously. She says the rules and definitions of dating were thrown out the window, what's left are "entanglements," usually vague and mysterious -- like Jesse and Coffee Boy. Dawnie's conclusion: "We're all completely confused." "That's why I've signed you up for High Hopes," says Jesse, lurching scarily towards Dawnie and holding up an application form. "By Friday, a computer will have found you your perfect match." "Ew!" Dawnie says. "I do not need a service to set me up with a date!" She wrinkles her nose and it's then that I realize that she looks like a young Sally Struthers. "Ew," indeed! Jesse begs her to do High Hopes "for research" for her client. Dawnie still says no, but then the phone rings for Ty (who is living there now, by the way). Ty takes the call, and it's Felicia Frinkle. EW! "Yeah, I'm really looking forward to Friday," says Ty. Dawnie pouts and furiously begins filling out the application form.

Back at the headquarters of Sell My Soul Promotions, Jesse meets with her client and they look over some High Hopes applications. She reads one out loud: "I want someone hot! I want someone who looks like Rebecca Romijn." This is actually kind of a pointless scene, but I just thought it was funny that one of the few words that Closed Captioning managed to spell right, for God's sake, was the name "Rebecca Romijn." ["Well, it's actually 'Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, but we'll give it to them. Heh." -- Sars] Client Guy wheedles Jesse into signing up for a High Hopes courting encounter for herself. I do have to say that "courting encounter" sounds kind of intriguing, like it's something that Amish swingers do.

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