Wasteland
Double Date

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Double Date

Callbacks, before it opens for the night. Vandy at the piandy. He plays his song and sings, "When the full moon rises, I'm lost, I cannot see." Okay, Vandy, if you want to know what's wrong with this song, let's start with the fact that the full moon is kind of one of those times when you CAN see. Jewels walks in and breaks his concentration. "This crazy man on the subway spit [sic] on me!" she bitches. Well, try not dressing like Patches The Alterna-Clown, Jewels. People, she is wearing a chamois vest, over a shrug, over a camisole, on top of a suede patchwork skirt. She sees Vandy working on the song. "Need any help yet?" she asks Vandy. "No," he says. She says the song "needs pain and misery and I can help you with that." What, you're going to lend the song one of your outfits? Vandy insists the song is fine. "And yet somehow it just keeps coming out like Partridge," she says. Okay, Jewels? You're the one who keeps skipping around in those fussy perk-adelic ensembles, not Vandy. Everyone knows you'd be the one who'd climb aboard that painted bus in about two seconds. Finally, Vandy gets annoyed enough to get up from the piano and go to work. Jewels goes right over to the piano bench and starts laying her scuzzy hands all over the sheet music.

Ty and Russell are back at Café Le Closet. "Would you just ask the waiter out already?" Ty complains. Russell says, "It's complicated." ABC execs hold up a banner that says, "YEAH, REALLY, IT'S COMPLICATED!" Justin The Waiter comes up. "How was your audition?" asks Russell. "I got a callback!" says Justin the Waiter. "You might just be looking at Tomato Number Two on a national Ragu spot." Russell congratulates him. "I think you were my lucky charm," says Justin, who gives him A Look, Maybe. Ty is like, "So, Russell -- want to ask Justin for some more crushed red pepper?" Russell kicks Ty again, as if crushed red pepper was The Condiment That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Russell then turns to Justin and begins awkwardly extending a dinner invitation. "One actor to another -- I mean, it'll be a group thing. Ty will be there with -- Ty's friend." Ty shoots him a "what the -- ?" look.

Jesse and Dawnie are on the phone, and Dawnie's all worried that she wasn't specific enough about her High Hopes date, and Jesse says that for her own date she asked for a handsome professional workaholic with impeccable taste, a sense of humor, and "he can't own any thong underwear." That last one makes sense, because it appears she's got the thong of the last guy she dated still tangled up in her hair. Sam calls up and she gets conferenced in. You know, there hasn't been this much split-screen in a TV show since the opening sequence of The Brady Bunch. We learn that Jesse wants to make Coffee Boy, well, Jealous Coffee Boy. And Sam bitches about Vince. And Jesse thinks Sam has a crush on Vince. And so does Dawnie. And Sam is like, "I do NOT have a crush, I do not, I do not!" Then Sam gets off the phone and Vince walks by. "Working hard, Price?" he says, having pretty obviously overheard her. Twangety-twang twang!

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