Nancy wakes up in the hospital. It's nighttime and the baby is gurgling. There's a night sound, at first, that turns out to be a very terrifying Pilar, standing over his crib like the wicked fairy in every story. She congratulates Nancy on her handsome son and her perfect life, and Nancy starts to ask what the fuck she's doing there, but Pilar tells her not to interrupt: "Breaches in etiquette make me want to... Throw things," she says, staring down at the kid. Anybody else they'd rip out their stitches trying to choke a bitch for saying that, but hey, this is Nancy Botwin. If Pilar did toss him against the wall Nancy would probably just send him a gift basket.
"You want to know why I never had children?" Pilar asks, and Nancy surmises that she would eat them, and babies are super fattening, but no: They are inconvenient, they complicate everything and they take and take. She explains that the baby was a mistake, and one that will probably end Esteban's career. "I am here to correct that mistake," she says, and gives Nancy the option of helping her do so.
Celia sits around outside a You're Pretty seminar, finally ambushing Raylene as she comes stalking out with a retinue, and Raylene tells her there's a Q&A after the seminar that will answer all her questions. "No one is buying this shit," Celia explains, and Raylene sends her posse away, because while I'm sure there's a whole chapter in the three-ring about what to do when crazy ladies show up, there is no three-ring binder that contains the possibility of Celia Hodes.
"It's like the Depression out there, all right? Women are pinching their cheeks for blush. Trannies are staining their lips with plum juice. I cannot sell makeup when civilization is collapsing!" Raylene laughs and calls her Cece, explaining that economic downturns are great for beauty: "Poor people wear the most makeup!" That is so true. But if that's true, the poor people are stealing their makeup, because they are not buying them from Celia, which by the way is her name. Names are the thing this week.
"Well. I am not interested in Celia," Raylene explains. "I am interested in Cece." Celia is a quitter, see, while Cece sells "A lifestyle. Self-esteem in small doses. A positive reflection in a floor-length mirror. Confidence. Happiness. Sex." Man, she's good. I'm glad I'm not Celia because right then I would have been like, "Sign me up!" That shit sounds good. Sales people are my obsession, I can't imagine saying that shit with a straight face.