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Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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When They Do the Double-Dutch

Nancy wakes up in the hospital. It's nighttime and the baby is gurgling. There's a night sound, at first, that turns out to be a very terrifying Pilar, standing over his crib like the wicked fairy in every story. She congratulates Nancy on her handsome son and her perfect life, and Nancy starts to ask what the fuck she's doing there, but Pilar tells her not to interrupt: "Breaches in etiquette make me want to... Throw things," she says, staring down at the kid. Anybody else they'd rip out their stitches trying to choke a bitch for saying that, but hey, this is Nancy Botwin. If Pilar did toss him against the wall Nancy would probably just send him a gift basket.

"You want to know why I never had children?" Pilar asks, and Nancy surmises that she would eat them, and babies are super fattening, but no: They are inconvenient, they complicate everything and they take and take. She explains that the baby was a mistake, and one that will probably end Esteban's career. "I am here to correct that mistake," she says, and gives Nancy the option of helping her do so.

Celia sits around outside a You're Pretty seminar, finally ambushing Raylene as she comes stalking out with a retinue, and Raylene tells her there's a Q&A after the seminar that will answer all her questions. "No one is buying this shit," Celia explains, and Raylene sends her posse away, because while I'm sure there's a whole chapter in the three-ring about what to do when crazy ladies show up, there is no three-ring binder that contains the possibility of Celia Hodes.

"It's like the Depression out there, all right? Women are pinching their cheeks for blush. Trannies are staining their lips with plum juice. I cannot sell makeup when civilization is collapsing!" Raylene laughs and calls her Cece, explaining that economic downturns are great for beauty: "Poor people wear the most makeup!" That is so true. But if that's true, the poor people are stealing their makeup, because they are not buying them from Celia, which by the way is her name. Names are the thing this week.

"Well. I am not interested in Celia," Raylene explains. "I am interested in Cece." Celia is a quitter, see, while Cece sells "A lifestyle. Self-esteem in small doses. A positive reflection in a floor-length mirror. Confidence. Happiness. Sex." Man, she's good. I'm glad I'm not Celia because right then I would have been like, "Sign me up!" That shit sounds good. Sales people are my obsession, I can't imagine saying that shit with a straight face.

"Bully for Cece! I am returning your shit product," Celia explains, saying that she'll pay for what she's used, but I mean, pyramid schemes weren't born yesterday, so Raylene explains that she's liable not only for the whole starter kit, but also for the next twelve months of deliveries, so work it out. Or she will go to jail. Celia, hilariously, says through gritted teeth: "No. I will not go back there."

Rather than asking what that means -- and speaking of pretty, remember Celia's prison fish look? -- Raylene punches her in the arm and says, exactly: she'll sell cosmetics instead! "Cece is selling the You're Pretty dream, so Celia doesn't have to live the You're Ugly And Behind Bars nightmare!" Case closed, Raylene sails into the seminar room full of rabid ladies, and she goes, "WHO'S PRETTY?" And they all cheer, "You're Pretty!" Man, I love cults. It's nice to feel like you belong to something.

So Pilar and Nancy have decided to leave Esteban's name off the birth certificate, meaning that while her life is no longer as endangered as it was, she's still denying Esteban the fact of being involved. Which is a pretty simple plan, but pretty elegant. I mean, he could still murder her, but the paper trail is what's important. Esteban whines that he's the kid's father, and that Pilar's just looking out for him. Nancy's feelings get hurt, which is always scary. "Wow. Did you break an ankle backpedalling that fast? She threatened our son. Your son!"

Esteban says they will just leave it blank until after the election, and Nancy says there's going to be another election at some point after that, and another one, because that's what he's choosing. He lamely offers to talk to Pilar, but Nancy says she was very clear that there could be no public record linking him to Nancy or the baby -- essentially, the same reason they couldn't get married -- but that he could always just tell Pilar to eat shit and die, and they could go live happily ever after. He says it's not that easy, but you can't tell Nancy that, because she won't know what you're talking about. She'd just be like, "Let's have Guillermo burn down Mexico, it'll be fine."

Esteban says it's not that easy, and she goads him a little, sadly, that Pilar owns him, because she knows that irks him. He points out that they are still in love, they still love each other, and she gets all passive-aggressive about "No, it's cool, it's fine, my family is coming and I can just go rock out with them, don't worry about it." It's funny how they're both being such weak little whiners right now, and that's how you know, paradoxically, that they really do love each other, because the intense fighting and spanking and raping and power plays are just like garnish on their dorkier true love. Well, "funny" isn't really the word, but it's intriguing.

A nurse comes in to sign Nancy out, and Esteban sadly blesses his son before leaving. Nancy can't believe he actually left, and she's spaced out enough that she can't remember the word for "wheelchair," and after a token attempt at blowing off the nurse's question about the birth certificate she goes, "Fuck it," and writes down a name in the Father box. After the nurse leaves, Nancy stares into space, wondering as she often does what the hell she just did.

Doug makes fun of Dean's booming legal business, pointing out that his office space is next to a boba tea place, and he and Dean snark back and forth boringly for awhile. Silas exposits that their drugs were seized in the raid, but Dean should be able to get them back by court order, and Dean says he'll help... For $500 an hour. "That better include a rim job," says Doug, which is something he probably says six times a day anyway. Silas offers him some pot as well, and Doug calls him an asshole sixteen different ways, because he's irrational about Dean, and Dean finally says he'll help them, but only if he gets to slam Doug's dick in his desk drawer.

That makes me sad. Doug and Dean used to love their dicks, they'd whip them out and look at them all the time. It was like the one hobby they shared. Doug's stupid ass decides that it will hurt less if he has an erection, so he shoves his hand down his shorts and starts fooling around down there, which gets Silas up and out of his chair right quick. Silas signs some paperwork while Doug manipulates himself, and a few moments later the boba tea sellers are startled by an inhuman scream.

Nancy brings the baby home, which is still looking like Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and Shane says that while he didn't do much babyproofing, he did get ahold of ecofriendly diapers. She offers to let him hold the baby, correcting his gender from "it" to "he," and Shane's disinterested. "He's your brother," Nancy says unconvincingly. "Get used to it!" Shane continues to be completely not into it, and finally Nancy goes, "I gotta take a fucking shower," and disappears. The boys stare down at him, Silas says he's kind of cute, and Shane says distrustingly that he'll probably just want to play soccer. Prophet of disaster as usual, and uncomfortably racist to boot, but then Shane never did like soccer, and he's had it out for this baby for awhile.

Nancy looks around Andy's insane bachelor boudoir, and says she's there to reclaim her territory. She calls him Superfly, and he reminds her that the house is actually his. She's like, "I HAVE A BABY!" as though anybody could have forgotten that for even a second, and he takes his twelfth bong hit and directs her across the hall. Oh

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