Episode Report Card
Joe R: B+ | Grade It Now!
Bill Sussman

Speaking of fucked up, Andy and Dean (acting as his lawyer) are meeting with the Army general and his lawyer in Doug's office. The general isn't entirely pleased with the situation he's found himself in, as evidenced by the sheer number of times he instructs Andy and/or Dean to "Go suck yourself!" Army Attorney has a document for Andy to sign saying that he didn't see anyone get killed, and probably that he has no memory of a Private Rodriguez at all. General Suck Yourself tells Andy that they were going to send that phone out into the field strapped to a mule, but then they figured why waste a perfectly good mule. Hey! I bet if Nancy ever needed him to be, Andy would make a perfectly good mule himself. Army Attorney points out the Lithuanian window washer outside who is erasing Doug's hard drive with his squeegee (Doug: "Aw!") and the janitor out in the hallway who is also a planted soldier. They've got Andy surrounded and the implication is that no one's getting out of Doug's office if the phone isn't returned and the document sign. To make the point even clearer, General Suck Yourself grabs a healthy handful of Andy's nutsack and squeezes until Andy gets Doug to hand over the phone. After he does, Army Attorney tells Andy he never set foot on an army base and the only Rodriguez he's to know "plays for the Yankees and thinks he's better than Greg Nettles." Uh, not the best summer to get on the bash-A-Rod train, Weeds, considering he's probably hitting another home run as I type this but WHATEVER, HATERS! "Suck yourself!" screams General Suck Yourself. Indeed.

Back at Majestic day school, Paul F. Tompkins asks if anyone's solved the murder, and Shane thinks he has: with the return of the girl the next week, there was no murder. "Ah, but there was," says Tompkins, for the supposedly-dead-but-really-not girl...had an abortion! At this, Tompkins produces a photo of an aborted fetus and the rest of the class starts praying feverishly. And at that, we can all check "photo of aborted fetus" off our list of freaky, fucked-up things we've seen on Weeds in two and a half seasons. Poor Shane is dismayed, all his critical thinking having gone to waste.

Nancy drives Shane home and apologizes for the sucky school full of crazies, but that's their only option at the moment. She pulls into her driveway to find Silas and U-Turn commiserating in the garage. Oh, that's no good. U-Turn's here to drop off some product, and the friendlier he tries to be with her boys, the more afraid Nancy becomes. She sends them inside -- where a returned Andy is apparently icing down his balls -- and tells U-Turn he's not welcome in her home. He says he was just dropping off some bricks for Silas to sell, and he also left a package in her garage that he needs her to hold onto for a spell. Nancy notes with some amusement that U-Turn's driving a Prius. He says he got them for all of his crew -- they're real quiet and ideal for sneaking up on motherfuckers. After a "fuck you, bitch" phone call from Clinique, U-Turn drives off, and Nancy investigates the giant trunk he left in her garage. Inside, it's brown and sticky, but it sure ain't icky. "Heroin," Nancy gasps, and as she looks at her hand, all gunked up with smack, it is most definitely shaking now.

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