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Jacob Clifton: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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Doing The Backstroke

Andy waits for Abumchuk to zip up on the side of the road, while calling in an amber alert on Shane; Abumchuk threatens to wipe his ass with Andy if his bounty on Kat is disrupted.

Kat introduces Shane to her hot new trucker boyfriend Bear. He's really tall, you can't miss him. (Zing!) Kat spins the crazy wheel inside her head and informs Shane that he can drive the van wherever he wants -- she's hitching a ride to Mexico with Bear. Shane is 12, you know. So Shane begs that she at least teach him to drive, but Bear's on a schedule and she doesn't have time. Shane corrects Bear's Latin and Bear calls him a dweeb, pissing him off. Kat leans in all sexy and awesome: "I know that this must be rough, but I think you can use this as an opportunity...to learn that you should always keep an up-to-date passport on your person at all times!" She's so amazing. She gives him $13 in change ("liberated" from the restroom tampon machine) and promises to be hot when they meet again: "You'll be taller, and I think that you're going to do some really interesting things with your facial hair. I just see it." I could happily just transcribe Kat's dialogue for the rest of my life, into a unicorn Trapper Keeper. But all good things must eventually go to Mexico, so with one last heart hug, she's gone.

Nancy promises her errand partners that they're looking for "a criminal just like us," in this case her incarcerated son, and gets sucked into a discussion of her relationship with Conrad. She admits that having guns pointed at your head and your rogue DEA agent screaming at you and getting murdered is not the best time to process your crush kisses, requited or otherwise. Angry Armenian guy is not interested in the dish. Me neither, frankly. If Nancy and Conrad get together, I don't know what I'll do. Can't she have like even one friend?

At the elementary school graduation, Doug confronts Celia's husband Dean about him blowing Doug's Celia-boning secret to his wife. "Your wife's enticing snatch has nothing to do with my deep and abiding love for my wife," he snits. Doug thinks his frigid, invisible, short-cervixed wife might be a lesbian, and lists all the ways his four kids were conceived. They're all really sad: "Tequila shots, snuck it in while she was sleeping, doing it for a Lexus, and turkey baster." He gives a short speech in her honor, then punches Dean a little bit before they discover something magical: the medicine cabinet in the host's bathroom is a thing of beauty.

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