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Jacob Clifton: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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Doing The Backstroke

Doug and Dean are now having a spa moment with green facials and bottle after bottle of pharmaceuticals, still locked up tight in their host's bathroom. Talk of wife-banging leads to some intense discussion of their penises forever and ever, and eventually they bet half their stake of the sale on penis size. They drop trou and flash each other, and then decide -- given Dean's alibi that he's a grower, not a shower -- on two out of three, fluffing themselves. While wearing mint facial masks, in some Agrestic parent's lavender bathroom. Andy is going to be so jealous! It's only when somebody knocks on the door that they realize they're accidentally now having gay sex, and have thus taken way too many drugs.

Andy finds Shane's van, now abandoned; Nancy's back in Agrestic outside Celia's house with U-Turn's representative. They Nancy Drew around trying to find Celia, who's still bitching at her about having to fill up Silas's tank. They find the car and pop the trunk: it's empty. Nancy almost starts crying; she calls Silas's phone and find Celia drunk in Nancy's backyard. And that's where they learn that Celia, for Nancy's own good, has dumped the entire crop in the pool.

So of the eight things in the air at our last cliffhanger, we've successfully resolved...one. Maybe two. And then introduced a much hairier one, in the last few seconds. Questions: Is there now anybody in the entire state of California that doesn't know Nancy's a drug dealer? Will Silas finally do something worthwhile in his whole stupid life? When will Sanjay come out of the closet? Where in fuck are Heylia and Vaneeta? Can Kat please have her own spinoff series where she goes around doing things and talking all crazy? Can we call an embargo on stunt-casting pot-culture luminaries from here on out? Is Nancy honestly that bothered that horrible Peter finally croaked? Can Judah possibly play more dead dudes? Is this show now like 24? I'm tired of cliffhangers and no Heylia. I think it's about time for Nancy to let Lacy take over for awhile. Hopefully next week we'll get everybody nudged back into place.

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