Wow. I wish this episode had a safeword. You know, you don't usually come to Weeds looking for a good cry. It happens -- the sex tape, the punishment light, the butter cookies -- but never like you think it will, and never for the right reasons.
Doug heads back to Agrestic/now Regrestic for his passport, but once he gets a load of ex-wife Dana's new husband (think To Sir, With Love), he decides he doesn't even want to go to Copenhagen, he just wants to sit in the treehouse and be in love with her and, you know, suck the same way Doug always sucks.
Back in Dearborn, meanwhile, Schiff has robbed the post office to pay for Copenhagen tickets, and is now on the run not just for Nancy's sake but also his own. And Andy has engineered a genius callback to Shane's first-season weirdness, videotaping Hooman's fake murder complete with bag-over-head, but then Daud requests Hooman's penis, which sends the boys to hottie coroner Ike Barinholtz to get a fake penis, which does not convince Daud, but then Daud's wife sells him the passports anyway, because since when does an Andy plot need a point.
For cash, Nancy spins out a whole yarn for Klosterman all about how she and Judah were kinky swingers (safeword: "Fran Tarkenton"), but eventually he baits her into a massive fight that is both a pretty nasty Gen X/viewer revenge on Nancy Botwin scenario, and a pretty massive breakthrough for Nancy herself. After he backs her into enough corners and confronts her with enough of her contradictions, she throws a tantrum that is so in character it's out of character, and eventually comes back contrite.
While the boys are going through Schiff's secret room of mail he's stolen over the years for passport money, Silas finally gets his paternity results. And, shockingly, Lars is the father after all. Silas climbs in bed with Nancy, kisses her goodbye, and disappears. It is absolutely the saddest scene I can think of that involves anything other than Nancy driving and crying, which is usually how they get you.
Klosterman's figured out Shane killed Pilar, and knows the other people on the Botwins' tail won't be long figuring it out either. Fast forward to the next morning, where of course Klosterman's room's been tossed and he's presumably dead and Nancy's finally caught by Esteban. Guillermo's there too! And that's the score as we head into the finale: Nancy's finally completely exposed, Andy is sad for some reason, Shane is weird, Silas is gone, Schiff is crazy, and Doug is as far away as possible. Not so wonderful, this wonderful.
A: "Judah used to like to dress me up. Loan me out. We would lock eyes while I was being used by... Whoever. His best friend, my son's third grade teacher, the manager at Panda Express... I've never told anyone that we swung. Swang? That we were swingers. You know what, our safeword was Fran Tarkenton."
Vaughn the Reporter gets pissed about these obvious lies and shuts down the recorder. Came to it, she couldn't do it. But she's got plenty of secrets we haven't heard yet.
Q: Why would you not want to know?
Nancy admits to burning her house down, which actually does surprise him. She can't hide the Lacey smile when she says it. It was the first time she was happy since he died. Those little boxes. At first Vaughn thinks she means she burnt Agrestic down, but no: Just the scene of the crimes. Her house, her crimes. Nancy looks away and stands up to take her jacket off, and tells him to start over. Maybe they can be more honest when he asks questions. But the next question, she'll never answer.
Q: "Who killed Pilar Zuazo?"
A: That's a tunnel he's not allowed to enter. She smiles and closes that door. She's always hated the sun.
Doug lets himself into his old house, his little box, and the only thing that's changed is apparently the giant black man that lives there now, and tackles him to the ground. Like Doug's not gonna go racist in six seconds. Dana finds the men tussling on the floor -- she looks like you always thought she would -- and her new husband goes to make coffee.
Doug assumes the husband is the butler, of course, despite his dad sweater, and asks after the kids. Jessie's in bed, the girls are at camp, and Josh lives in Chicago now. Always did like that kid. I sincerely wish him all good things. Doug won't tell Dana why he's really there, so he says he wants to make amends -- "God touched me spiritually, not..." -- Jessie runs in yelling for her daddy, straight past Doug and into the butler's arms. Her new husband's name is Wilfred and he looks about fifty. They seem happy. He seems very nice.
Andy puts a bag over Hooman's head and fires a gun into it, just like back in the day when Strange Botwin used to play Mock Hostages. It's a convincing illusion -- at least Daoud is impressed -- and Andy promises they buried him somewhere spooky and shallow. Daoud says that sex and death are the two motivating forces of men's lives, as well as racism, which is all very deep and annoying. Andy asks for their passports and he is told instead to bring him Hooman's dick. So this'll be a Stee epis...
A: Yep, there it is! Stephen Falk. I'm getting good at this game.
Andy and Hooman -- wearing Ed Hardy and one star-bright shining earring -- head over to Ike Barinholtz's funeral parlor for the organ. He points them over to the John Does and goes back to his noodles.
Vaughn's curious about Cesar's getting shot with a crossbow, and Nancy's fake confused ten-yard stare is even more impressive than when Cesar almost got that quarter in the Skeeball machine to bean her with. That was like the most awesome thing that's ever happened on this show that didn't arise from Nancy going purposefully nuts. She won't tell him why the cartel's after her, either, and then she gets a text. Smiling, lying, she says it's from her son: He's found a girl, because he always finds a girl.
A funny place to go with the options, and she tells him to take Shane's name out his mouth.
Q: Why did she leave Esteban?