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Fran Tarkenton

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Maternity Tests

A: "He was gay! He took a gay lover named Arrrrmando."

Nancy seems less convinced by herself than ever.

Q: Why did she leave Esteban?

A: She didn't.

Q: Why is she running?

A:

Questions aren't going to work.

Q: How about Vaughn tells Nancy the story and she can fill in whatever blanks she feels like filling in? A valid third strategy.

A: Vaughn's take is that Nancy married a player in the biggest drug cartel in Mexico, and his boss hated her, and she died, and Nancy ran.

Q: Anything else in this theory of Vaughn's?

A: "Shane killed Pilar Zuazo."

Nancy's fake smile drips down her face like a Dali timepiece and she stares, stares, until finally Vaughn tells her to blink once if he's right. She stares at him like a Halloween mask, like a taxidermied pet, like a Clockwork Orange, like God loved Jacob. Things start to be weirder.

Hooman, and thank God he didn't have to die, picks the largest brownest penis he can find and Ike tells them the poor fella fell of a roof trying to rob a liquor store. That is so embarrassing! You're already doing something tacky and then on top of it, you die falling off a roof. Andy thinks about sex and death but mostly death and gives a wonderful speech about the life of struggle and the sadness of alcoholism. Right before Andy starts praying, Ike Barinholtz cuts off the penis and puts it in a jar. He's certainly been more crushworthy in his life but you know what, I can't stand the smell of formaldehyde anyway.

Lars hands Funny Mike another beer and he gets out of the stupid car and bemoans the fact that Nancy's so hard to pin down about things.

A: Turns out Nancy was always like that. Well, except that one time Lars impregnated her.

Perhaps Lars will grow into fatherhood, like a seed to a mighty oak, and at that point he will stop talking about fucking a boy's mother in front of the boy. Or on this show, probably not. Silas admits they're leaving for Amsterdam "soon" and Lars asks if he's okay.

A:

That's all it takes for Silas to start crying, which is the price of being an honest person, and he wigs a little about how his whole childhood was a lie. Like everybody else. He tells Lars about the DNA test and Lars smiles and shrugs: "Then tomorrow I'll be a father! Or not."

Q: You walk down the tunnel and what's at the end, you figure it out when you get there but at least you'll know, right? But why would you not want to know?

A: Lars is easy.

Since they don't know, Schrödinger's Sperm: "Let's go do something fun." He hands Silas the keys to the car and they joke around and it's sweet. Lars is easy. Q and A are the same thing, when your parents aren't quite so hard to pin down.

Doug congratulates Wilfred on his cake and talks really loud and calls him old -- he's an architect -- and Wilfred offers him the guest bedroom so that he will go the fuck away. He gives a short speech about Kerouac and Wilfred laughs, because Wilfred knew Jack Kerouac from when he was a jazz pianist. Dana can barely keep herself from applauding the funny way life has gone, and Wilfred comforts Doug about being such a fucking loser.

A: "Everyone has their own life trajectory. Not too many years ago I was completely lost! Yes, adrift at sea, feeling like I was never going to reach land..."

Doug falls in love a little bit with Wilfred, impossibly cool and post-Doug, because that's how he feels too. The whole time we've known him. But of course, Wilfred is talking about his supercool reality where he and Sidney Poitier took a skiff out past the breakers or whatever. I never thought the Doug parts of an episode would be my favorite parts of an episode, but nothing trumps Doug getting shit on.

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