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Higher Education

Nancy's on the local college campus, looking for a tutor for Silas. She runs into Doug, who's there to fuck with the accounting students' heads so they end up becoming his clients rather than his competitors. He leaves, joking that he'll catch Nancy at the kegger. At least, I think he's joking. It is Doug, after all, so who knows? Nancy starts to look around and notices that the funny thing about college students is that they're all stoned, all the time. These ones are, at least. They're smoking bowls and shotgunning to each other on the lawn, is what I'm saying. Nancy's eyes practically go ka-ching!

Andy comes home to find Shane and his friend Max studying. Max non-sequiters that he can stick six quarters up his nose. Andy calls bullshit and starts to count out quarters so Man can prove it, but he stops himself. He then tries to help the kids with their science homework, but he's -- surprise! -- totally useless at that, so he instead suggests they order the teacher's edition of their textbook online. Max asks if they can also order some sea monkeys -- he swallowed one once. Andy calls bullshit on that one too, but when Max says they taste like lemonade, Andy is convinced.

Celia's recovering from surgery and sling-shotting peas at her "Get Well" cards. Isabelle gingerly enters the hospital room and looks scared to approach her mom. Celia gives her a hug and invites her to sit on the bed and watch TV, and it's all disarmingly sweet. Celia even says later they might raid the vending machine down the hall for some snacks. Okay, now I'm afraid again. Sweet Celia is so much more disconcerting.

Andy's teaching Shane and Max to cook, and to fake cutting off your own finger, when Max's hot mom comes to pick him up. Andy is, as you might expect, horndoggedly taken with her. Max comes running out, covering his eye like he hurt himself. Shane produces an olive on a stick (fakeout!), and instead of being freaked out Max's mom tells Shane he should eat it. Because she's a Cool Hot Mom. Andy invites them over for dinner, then dismisses the kids so he can gauge Hot Mom's marital status (verdict: trial separation, but she's nearly licking Andy with her eyeballs, if that's any indication). Andy says she must be lonely for her in the "hermetically sealed" suburbs (Andy has apparently not tired of feeling superior to his buttoned-up surroundings), and whatever he's selling, she must be buying, because soon he's setting a timer for the food and they're fucking like mad in the bedroom. She's a screamer, too, and Andy can't manage to shush her up, so it's lucky that Shane and Max decided to play video games with their headphones on.

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