Episode Report CardWing Chun: B | 718 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Okay, this scene is so awesome that it needs to be transcribed in full, as Andy meets with Shane.
All right, listen closely. I'm not gonna beat around the bush. [riotous laughter at his own joke] Your little body's changing. It's all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They're expensive, gummin' up the works, plumbing-wise. You might be thinking to yourself, "But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues -- perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically -- bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. [visual aid with hand] Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practise makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.