Weeds

Episode Report Card
Wing Chun: B- | 1 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood

Maestro Charles Barnett gives us a stately symphonic arrangement of "Little Boxes," and then we're in the bathroom at Nancy's, as Megan gets ready to take a pee test. Out in her room, Nancy and Silas sit on her bed. Silas says that Megan's already taken a bunch of tests, but Nancy declares that she'll be taking another one. Silas says that Nancy's humiliating Megan; Nancy doesn't care. Megan comes out, sadly saying she can't pee. Nancy says (and mimes) that Megan should drink some water. When she returns to the john, Nancy asks Silas how this happens. Silas says she doesn't want to know, but when Nancy presses him, he spins a yarn: it was three weeks ago, in his room, doggie-style; when he pulled out, the condom was gone, Megan has really strong muscles.... Nancy finally cuts him off, and Silas reminds her that she asked, and wanted to be the "cool mom." Nancy replies that there's a long list of things she wants to be; "cool mom" isn't one of them. Megan comes out, brandishing the improbably quick positive pregnancy test, and Silas says he hopes "grandma" is on Nancy's list. Well, then they'd have to call it "GILFweed," and that doesn't make any sense.

Lot. Dean is with Isabelle, getting ready for her Huskeroos audition. She's nervous, but Dean tells her she'll be great; she doesn't seem convinced as an assistant calls her name and she heads inside. At this point, Celia rolls up. Dean bitches that she's late, and Celia reminds him that she's running for elected office. Dean tells her he has a job interview, which they need him to get so that they can afford her campaign. Celia asks who's rejecting him today, but instead of answering, Dean orders her to make sure that Isabelle leaves the audition with "a modicum of self-esteem." You...couldn't have lined up a kindly maid, or nailgun-wielding meth addict, who'd be more likely to accomplish this goal than Celia? Anyway, he takes off, and Celia sits down next to a pleasantly chubby mom, sitting with her dour-looking obese son. Chubby Mom tells Celia that Isabelle's inside now. Celia sarcastically says that's fantastic. Chubby Mom offers maple bars, but Celia declines, saying that she's getting a corn syrup contact high just sitting next to them. She picks up a clipboard and starts reading off some of the audition lines, like "I'm comfortable in my skin" and "Good things come in big packages." Chubby Mom smiles approvingly, but Celia's read more than enough.

Celia storms inside, throwing open the door to the audition room in time to see Isabelle jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, reciting, "Huskeroo lets you be you!" "ISABELLE," says Celia sharply. "Mom," says Isabelle, deflated. "She's fantastic," says the director. Isabelle shoots Celia a triumphant smirk. Get that little Tyra-to-be a maple bar, Mom! Now she's got to eat like a pro.

Grow house. Conrad has drawn a helpful diagram to indicate where they are on the street, and which of their neighbours are Armenian-run grow houses. Of ten houses on the block, four (plus Nancy's) are being used as pot grow houses. Doug, always on point, asks to smell Conrad's Sharpie. Andy gets off on a tangent about dry-erase markers, earning him a Sharpie to the head. Conrad tries to put things in perspective: they've just "opened a Burger King in the middle of fucking McDonald's," except that Ronald isn't a happy clown; he's an angry clown who wants to cut their dicks off and mail them in four directions: "We're buck naked in front of George Bush, with our dick in his daughter's mouth." Must be Tuesday! Nancy calls a halt to all the dick talk. Sanjay pulls a lighter out of his pocket, suggesting that those other houses might accidentally burn down. Nancy impatiently disarms him. Conrad tells "Lacy" that they need to pack the plants in soil and move them somewhere else. Neither Lacy nor Nancy is down with this plan. Conrad says that she must not have heard him, but she did: "Dicks and McDonald's." She blithely says that they have as much right to grow pot in their rental house as the Armenians do, and promises that she'll take care of it. She grabs her bag and takes off, leaving Doug to get Sharpie all over his nose, transported via sense memory back to "Bridgeport, Connecticut -- lifeguarding." Apparently, he had some good times under his zinc oxide.

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