Episode Report Card
Wing Chun: B- | 1 USERS: C-
Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood

Cut to Megan, checking her email at home. She has fifty-nine messages, nearly all of which appear to be from Silas. "What about Levi?" "Talia?" "Joel?" "Mac?" "Sadie?" Megan's face crumples, and she highlights all her mail and deletes it. If it's any consolation to our more romantic viewers, it looks like her decision to get rid of Silas's messages is agonizing.

Shane's school. In study hall, Shane is in the process of turning around his image among his classmates by regaling him with the story of his encounter with Jade (formerly Miss Saigon) -- and, unlike his little friends' tales of handjobs, his story's actually true. Gretchen, a girl sitting at a nearby desk, shushes them, and the redheaded junior frat boy responds by farting at her. Shane adds that he "got some" on his knee and that Jade wiped it off with a warm towel. Gretchen registers her disgust again, and gets another fart in the face for her efforts. She gets up and stomps off. "Bitches gotta learn," says O'Doyle. Shane offers to show them what Jade looks like, and pulls up the website for "Oriental Play." He then uses the school's equipment to print off her photo...which, of course, is when Principal Dodge shows up and claps a meaty hand on Shane's shoulder, while his cohorts haul ass out of there.

Back at Nancy's, Andy is making my earlier rant about the pool's disuse seem foolish by enjoying a floatie and a bong. For once, his shiftlessness works in his favour, as he ends up being the one to take the call from Shane's school.

In his office, Principal Dodge tells Andy that they have reason to believe Shane was "abused" by a masseuse. "Here at school?" asks Andy. Dodge impatiently corrects him as to what he overheard Shane telling his friends. Andy disbelievingly asks what sort of man would bring a kid to a massage parlour, and Dodge theorizes that a morally bankrupt degenerate would. Andy, pulling open his shirt to reveal his Star of David, asks if that's what Dodge pulled him out of yeshiva to tell him. Dodge seems chastened. Andy goes into a big old BS tale about the yeshiva philosophy. Dodge is like, "What?" Andy says that Shane made it all up. He's trying to look cool in front of his friends; he's going through changes. Dodge doesn't know what sort of changes Andy means, so Andy whispers that Shane's been masturbating. He says that surely Dodge remembers what that period of his life was like. You're alone, under the covers, your hand travels down... Dodge, in a reveries, embroiders that it's Hallowe'en, and your father is there, in a bee costume, watching you. ¡No es bueno! Andy snaps him out of it, and Dodge asks him to confirm, straight up, that he didn't take Shane to a massage parlour. Andy guffaws that he took Shane to a Chinese restaurant! Oh, who knows how kids come up with this stuff. Dodge says that they'll let Shane off with a warning, and Andy promises that all that business with the dad and the bee costume will be forgotten. Hee.

Sitting side by side at a table, Celia (using an alias), Pam, and Nancy cold-call voters about Celia's campaign. Nancy, drawing on her hand, somnolently asks her potential voter whether he or she wants Agrestic to be a drug-free community. Celia scolds her to "put a little perk in [her] pitch," and Nancy -- always one to take constructive criticism with an open mind -- gets up and stomps off. Left alone, Pam places another call: "Could I speak to Mr. Fuck Hughson?" Awesome callback.

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