Weeds
Perro Insano

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Chai Achievers
first I need a fix. Or to step this dissociation from consequence back to a manageable level: If you go off your diet or stop exercising or whatever it is, if you fall off the wagon, well, January first is at most 364 days away, at any given time.

"It was this thing that happened today," he explains. "Other things have happened other days, things will happen tomorrow." This is what she's taught him. It's scary but it's at least a little healthier, this part of his breakdown. A little closer to the bear. She promises he won't get hurt again, and he barely hears her, and she demands he look her in the eye and promises again. It means nothing. "You should worry about Stevie," he says almost angrily. "He's just a baby." She breaks into tears, unable to explain that's what Shane is too. He asks for the sandwich she's got balanced on her knees, and she weakly hands it over.

Celia kicks in the door to a lucha libre locker room, causing one unmasked gentleman to run off shrieking that he's been seen. Celia's used to that; it's been every day of her life. She crosses the room to Ignacio, who is wearing a revealing black unitard and stretching seductively. She stares at his crotch until he explains he's wearing a cup, and then she demands "a hookup." He considers, and asks to see her culo, and she tells him to kiss her culo, she's talking about drogas. I really like the idea that Celia, being hollow the way Nancy only pretends to be, is actually better at this than Nancy could ever be. Nancy was so angry when she said she never asked to be treated like a big boy, remember? And that's fucking all Celia ever wants.

Celia gives her new associate a whole talk about how she wants a steady supply of weed across the border, and his continued groin stretches -- in a variety of directions and thrusts, with accompanying groans and grunts -- seem as disconcerting and fascinating for Celia as they might be for Sanjay. "You can be my heavy: sniff out the assholes in my life, and bury them in the yard." They agree on a 20% cut, and he puts on his Doberman mask, picking up a big soft bone and growling in her face, jumping around, before bouncing off every surface and out into the arena. She's like, "What the fuck?" but secretly she loves it because it's Ignacio, and he rules unavoidably on all levels.

Cesar's cleaning his gun on the edge of the fountain when Nancy comes out and asks him straight up to confirm that the bullet was meant for her. He doesn't meet her eyes, just tells her to get her family out of there. She chokes on it, but tells him to spill who it was. It was somebody, he says, who won't stop until she gets what she wants. Nancy picks up the gun, smiling, and he warns her not to even try to kill Pilar. "How about the person reporting to her?" Lacey asks, turning the gun on him and asks what Esteban will think about Cesar setting her up.

"Think it through," Cesar says firmly, and she does. So why would he shoot the gunman in the end, if he was implicit in the plot? Cesar finally realized that Nancy's death would be the end of Esteban, whose happiness is Cesar's own. This is lovely, but also, as Lacey points out, pretty gay. She tells "Nurse Cesar" that she's willing to forget his lapse in loyalty since he spared her life, but the fact that her kid got hurt means she owes him. "Count to three. Are you right-handed?" He is; he gets to two before she nails him in the arm. "Three," Lacey says softly, and basically vanishes in a scary fog, leaving only phosphene tracers in the air from the U-Turn tattoo glowing under her dress.

Andy surprises Audra in the poolhouse, stealing medical supplies from the Rosemary's Baby room. He calls "stealing from a druglord" both "bold" and "hot," which it admittedly is, and though she protests that while her clinic is fighting for every cotton swab Esteban has this whole imaginary medical theatre sitting around, but he pretends he's not convinced to keep quiet. "What's my silence worth?" She suggests maybe patching his fourteen-year-old nephew's bullet wound without reporting it to the cops, and Andy says that additionally she has to go with him to see jazz. Which he thinks is code for "grownup" and not "more terrifically boring than you can ever imagine," because he thinks those things always go hand-in-hand.

The only jazz musician he can name is Dr. Teeth, which he defends because that is a jazz Muppet, and she gives it a pass. He is incensed and feels jerked around because she was mean to him "over chips and salsa," but then flirted again at "Little Stevie's weenie roast," so now they have to be sophisticated at least once. She admits being too harsh on the date, and giving him a second look as her punishment. "And you looked good! But I looked closer, and that's when I saw it." What is the it, he wonders: a cancerous mole? Basically. "You're hung up on Nancy," she notifies him, and he goes into a flurry of how that's so not true.

(...But to his reasons I can't really pay attention, because he's spent the entire episode in a t-shirt that now comes into play in the most gorgeous way, so we're going to talk about that. It's grey, and there's a huge white חי in the middle of it, with the word "achiever" underneath, and on the back it translates it -- "life" -- which is what I win at because chai + achiever means "high achiever" when you say it out loud (which is nice especially because it's on this show Weeds, and being high is all he's ever achieved, plus cutesy t-shirts), but also in terms of this conversation he's having now it means also what it says as written, life + achiever, which is what he's trying to be: He's trying to achieve a life.

It took Nancy and Audra -- and Mags and Judah, and Esteban -- to get him here, but now he wants it. Audra will be the proof, and the absence of Nancy -- which is why it will fail, because lives and the having of them aren't contingent, especially on our lovers, I guess unless our lovers happen to be Mexican drug lords -- but it's still gorgeously constructed. Anyway, I love that so much. Let's rejoin him mid-whine.)

"I'm trying to man up! Sure, I'm tangled in Nancy drama, but it's a fledgling effort!" He asks Audra if shitting on his effort is "an occupational hazard, aborting everything," and I get that scared feeling again now for both of them. Man, if Andy dies I will just pitch a fucking fit. I know I was wrong about Guillermo and Pilar last week, but the dread remains. "It's not a life yet, Andy!" Audra gleams, which takes the triple score of the t-shirt thing and returns the serve by relating it back to her job, doing an end-run around his attack on it by using the words against him. This is the most amazing scene I've ever seen on this show, my God.

Andy tells Audra this is precisely why she's single, which predictably causes her smile to fall: "You're a hot doctor, but you're alone." He offers that this is because she's always making excuses instead of taking risks -- which is boy smarts, insofar as it positions him as the alternative to any insecurities she has about whatever it is that makes her life imperfect -- and she points out that in this case his love for his sister and general lameness are a pretty valid fucking excuse. He flirts a bit more, and she's on her way out the door when Cesar shows up, bleeding. Audra's legendary cool is even like, "Jesus, for real?" But then she has to get contrite, not only because these are the people she's chosen to associate with, but also because Cesar's spotted the bag of doctor stuff she's stealing.

Shane's holding his pills, sitting blankly in a chair, when Silas comes to check on him. He offers to set up a movie, look around for porn even, and waits for the smile. It doesn't come. "I get it," he says, trying again. "If I got shot in my jerkoff arm I'd be mad too." Shane explains spacily that he's not mad, and smiles in a somewhat chilling fashion. Silas asks how many pills he's taken, and Shane shakes his head: none. "Well, that's dumb," Silas says in a jolly way, an

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