Weeds

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Shit Highway

Elsewhere, the Agrestic City Council, with Celia officiously front and center, hears a proposal by a blond and super-smarmy Matthew Modine. Modine is heading things up over in the neighboring community of Majestic, the place that was driving the Agrestic property values down, or so we heard last week. Majestic's got a problem, though: they can't dispose of their sewage. Through a demonstration that manages to be both crass and unctuous, Modine describes the horseshoe-shaped Majestic as a toilet seat and Agrestic -- the community Majestic is encircling -- as the toilet bowl. In short, Modine is proposing that Agrestic allow Majestic to solve its waste disposal problems by running a sewage line through Agrestic, in return for revamping Agrestic's own sewage system at no cost, plus various ancillary perks such as access to Majestic's much ballyhooed non-denominational church. Modine then illuminates the church model in his little scale model of Majestic. Celia, who's been kind of swooning over Modine all this time, nearly slides off her chair at this. Meanwhile, Doug's sitting with the commoners, being as obtrusive as possible (shaving with an electric razor, clipping his toenails, etc.). Modine slowly and insincerely takes the hand of each council member as he sums his offer up as a helping hand from Majestic to Agrestic. As he takes Celia's hand, he rubs it with his thumb. Wow, this guy is laying it on thick. Celia breathlessly thanks him, calling him "Mr. Groff." "Sullivan," Modine corrects. "Dumb name," scoffs Doug.

Botwins'. Shane is helping his mom write her résumé, encouraging her to pad it as necessary, since it's Agrestic and no one will check. Nancy does her usual parenting trick where she tells Shane to be honest but has no plans to follow that up with any action -- we'll be seeing this on a much larger scale in about twenty minutes. She then changes the subject and asks Shane is he's seen any federal agents lurking around outside. Shane says he hasn't and goes back to padding the résumé. He tells Nancy he's proud of her for getting a real job, and that one hits Nancy right about where you think it does. Of course, if he's planning on passing Nancy off as having a post-graduate degree in English and "proficient" two-finger typing skills, she might not ever get that real job, but the thought is nice.

Andy's at boot camp, climbing the rope wall and annoying the piss out of Private Rodriguez with his liberal views on the war and the U.S. as a fat, wasteful country full of religious hypocrites. Hey! That's your fat, wasteful country full of hypocrites, right or wrong, Botwin! Rodriguez counters that America is the coolest, strongest and best nation there is. The coolest? Not if my recent trip to the New York State Fair is any indication. The two of them end up getting their exhausted asses called down from the ropes at the behest of the commanding officer and our old friend R. Lee Jowly, the drill instructor. They admonish Andy for lipping off, natch, and then tell the both of them to report to the C.O.'s office in nine minutes. Oooh! Maybe one of them got tapped to be the new Attorney General!

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