"So this whole Not Drinking thing sucks," Nancy grouses, and Jill goes on. "Anyway, his name was Mr. Schiff, and he threatened to stab himself in the heart with a geometry compass when she dumped him." Silas gets stars in his eyes about how fucked up that is. "First of all," Nancy explains to Sucio, "He was delusional. Second of all, I rejected all of his advances." This last said with hilarious self-evidence: "Third of all, I was getting all As in his class!"
Jill tells the end of the Schiff story: divorced, fired, crazy, camped out on the Price lawn until Daddy had him taken away, then still sent notes from the loony bin. Nancy shakes her head and asks why this is Jill's favorite story, but Silas knows: "BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME!"
Nancy's had enough. You want to talk about the differences between the Price Girls? She'll always win that one. "Ask Aunt Jill about the time that she missed the bus and was late for class. Thrilling tale. Screwed up her whole sense of right and wrong." That cuts, and they all know it: Nancy got to live, to leap, while Jill stayed grey; both of these are necessary. Goofus goes off gallivanting, Gallant getting grayer.
"Just once admit that you had sex with Mr. Schiff," Jill exclaims drunkenly, and Nancy turns her gaze on her sister like a knife: "Just once, admit that you had a crush on him, and you were bitter because he was more attracted to me than he was to you." Jill calls her a "raging narcissist," but at least Nancy didn't extend the truth all the way: Jill only would have wanted him once Nancy started getting attention.
Nancy turns to Sucio with a very salient point: "I don't even know why we're arguing about this. I was 13, the man was a pedophile." It wouldn't have mattered; they measure themselves against each other, and the guy doesn't matter. No matter how much he wishes he did: "Ladies please," Andy says, "This is Shabbas dinner." Nancy puts her fork down and says she'll be upstairs, throwing up; she doesn't even look at Sucio as he pulls out her chair. It's weird and sad, but not in the way that Jill thinks: "I don't mean to be judgy, but where did she meet that guy? Home Depot?" They are all quiet, because after this long lying about how desperate their lives actually are, nobody knows how to say the word "bodyguard" to Jill Price-Gray.
Celia's asleep on a jungle cot when a hand covers her mouth to a scary, driving beat. She's obviously not going to die, so I'm assuming she's going to get mailed back to Ren-Mar, maybe have some "No Man Is Pudding" experiences on the way. This season is already -- and will continue to be -- structured so weirdly that literally anything could happen, still, which is more exciting than I can be sad about losing Rudolfo to Southland after so brief a time. I guess the moral of the story is, you never call a man a puppy; especially not when that's what he is.