Weeds

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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I Am Highly Flammable Right Now

It takes balls to make a story in which "If my babydaddy doesn't marry me, I'll just die" is literally true.

Don't fool yourself
Into thinking you're more than a man

Or you'll probably end up dead

While Andy continues making any kind of nuisance of himself that he can, to break the icky spell these two have woven around each other, Esteban calls in Ignacio (the hot one, with the beard). He brings in the Now & Zen Baby Swing, while Andy protests that he can watch just as well as Ignacio, he's excellent at watching. "Right," Esteban laughs, still not even looking at him. "You and your crabs."

Andy's horrified as Esteban first presents the swing as proudly as a king, then moves to touch her belly. She shivers at his touch, and laughs that she's not even showing yet. "I can feel him," Esteban says, and kisses the top of her head tenderly just as her entire body attempts to climb up through the top of that selfsame head. Mind, blown. Andy runs circles yipping around Ignacio about how he's just a thug, he's no match for El Andy: "Take away the muscles and the fiery eyes, and the cold heart of a killer, what does he have that I don't?" A taser. A taser is the answer to that question, which causes Andy to fall on the floor burbling and groaning and sort of whistling. "I call him Mr. Zappy" Ignacio says, stupidly enough.

"Oh great, now he's wet himself," says Nancy. Not what the manchild on the floor needs to hear right now. All that good behavior and taking care of the family, pissed away. Ignacio laughs at him and goes to get a towel. Esteban returns to talking about "our boy," and every time he says it her back stiffens, and she says it back to him, unable to believe what he's pulling now. He holds her tightly, and she relaxes into it finally, looking over at the swing, with its fat little Buddha.

"Nothing is exactly as it seems," she says into his shoulder. "Nor is it otherwise." Says so right on the box, sure as Big Buffalo Blastin's what you do next.

Shane congratulates Mr. Sandusky on smoking in the eco-garden, and then Sandusky blows his mind by offering him three or four grand for more pot. "Unions really are ruining this country," Shane says, which is fine to think but trust me when I tell you never say that shit out loud. Sandusky says he'll meet up with him after fifth period, Choosing Chastity. Shane scoffs at "that Abstinence-Only bullshit," and tells him to blow it off, but he can't, because if he leaves before the movie's over, the hamsters get raped with Sharpies. And here I thought I'd heard of, or imagined, every possible negative outcome of an abstinence-only education (or lifestyle). I wasn't even thinking of the hamsters.

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