Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
Life Is Real Only Then, When I Am

Doug's pissing against the Minuteman wall when El Andy calls, putting Mermex on the phone. Yay! Yay for the power of El Andy! Doug and Mermex realize that they have nothing to say to each other, and Doug asks her to hand the phone back; he's touched to learn that she kept his flip-flop.

Silas is cell-stalking Lisa later that night, while upstairs the goths are arranging to film their sexual escapades with Strange Botwin. Shane realizes that he's in over his head and asks Silas what to do. Silas is none too interested until he realizes that Shane is totally Shane-ing out about it, then reminds him he doesn't have to go through with it, but if he does, not to bring shame on the family. Rad -- not actually sleeping on the couch -- bets Silas five bucks Shane "pusses out."

Esteban and Nancy make out. The migraine doesn't hit until he starts to growl, like a lion. She swears she's not trying to get out of sex -- which, he assures her, nobody ever does -- and he tries to take care of her. He tells her Excedrin is not the answer because this is coming from stress. "I'll take care of you every step of the way," he says, offering to take her to see some "unconventional" medical personnel. She swears she trusts him. I miss U-Turn.

After God knows how long Dean's been bitching and moaning about what a bitch and failure and complete destroyer of worlds Celia is, she responds with the only possible reaction worth anything, grabbing him by the necktie and slamming his against the bed. Then comes the gospel.

"How dare any of you judge me? You! [Dean] You, with your low testosterone, hump-shouldered victim shit! You are the reason I started drinking in the first place. And you! [Isabelle] You and your sister sucked me dry! Want! Need! Demand! A constant drain! Who could resist a little capsule-shaped escape? And you! [Pam] I don't even know why you're here. You're my bitch, I use you, and you're too stupid to realize it. So ..." Pam protests that she does realize it, she just doesn't care: will Celia still be fun when she's sober? Honey, Celia's fun under all circumstances, including becoming a jailhouse chola. It's going to be fine.

The interventionist hands the reins to Isabelle, who reminds her of everything she did -- the laxatives, Tae Bo and whatever -- and how it connects to Celia's own horrifically abusive mother, and then takes it even further: even the horrible parenting abuses of the first two seasons were preferable to her total junkie zombie bullshit lifestyle now. But the kicker? "If you don't deal with this, I will call your mother." Celia drops the fork she was using as a makeshift shiv; needless to say it lands in Dean, who's been on the floor since she bashed his head in.

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