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Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1694 USERS: B
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The Inside Job

Andy-Judah sits with Margaret-Mags at a fondue restaurant, side-by-side in a booth like only the truly worthless do. She looks insane: Laura Ashley-print dress like you would wear to Mormon Sunday School, voluminous like that, with a big old lace dickie, and her hair teased and curled and crunched and up to here. Andy says that he would have worn his Loverboy headband if he'd known it was a creepy, scary costume date, and she admits she's ridiculous. "But my Guild encouraged me." He doesn't get what she means, so she's like, "Online Gaming World? I'm a mage." He still doesn't get it. Maybe you don't get it. I wish I didn't get it. But I get it.

Believe it or not, she's pretty outgoing and popular there, in the imaginary world. "You're popular in the game. As a mage." She cheers for herself, and she realizes that he "thinks" she's pathetic, whining that she's dressed like Molly Ringwald. "I'm sorry, I have this fierce imagination. I always have..." Andy is sad because he can't remember the last time he really imagined anything. But he will. And that will be even sadder. Imagination's an inside job.

Mags "reminds" Judah that this is where they went on the date that apparently deranged her forevermore, and Judah's like, "I happen to love dipping things into other things!" I miss that crazy Israeli chick. She was the awesomest. Mags pokes a skewer at Judah, reminding him to be Judah, and they talk about how the fun is that you get to cook the meat yourself. "So what made you finally ask me out? You're such a studmuffin."

I'm so glad I don't remember the '80s. You know how you thought all your teachers were twenty years older than they probably were? All I remember about the '80s is being babysat by a succession of Taylor Daynes (big hair, glossy lips) and Nagel/Robert Palmer/Swing Out Sisters (slick bobs, matte lips). Maybe it was just the two, maybe it was hundreds, I have no way of knowing, but I still can't believe anybody ever said "studmuffin" as an actual descriptive noun, it's just too weird. Probably because of linguistics, back then, it was hyphenated: "stud-muffin." No, that just makes it worse. That's so fucked up. Stud is over here, lexically, and muffin is waaaaay over there. But them together and that's like a palace eunuch to me. Not the image that's intended.

Mags supplies the details as needed: He-Judah first saw her in the Food Court, working gainfully at the Hot Dog On a Stick, and he was I guess impressed by her handling of the "batter." She laughs like so: Huhuhuh. He tries harder, talking about how he's just in Ren Mar for the summer, but life is short, and people are phonies, and she's like, "You always quoted JD Salinger!" And he remembers that, that Judah read it every summer, but not much else: "Phonies. Goddamn phonies! But you're not a phony, you're real. And I am real. Me-Judah." She giggles, he gets all intense: "So let's be real together." He leans in to God knows what, but immediately spits a huge mouthful of fondue meat all over her nice dress at what she says next: "I want you to take my virginity."

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