Like rain on your wedding day, the calming, wise presence of OB-GYN Alanis Morissette arrives about three seasons too late to have any influence on Nancy's constant Armageddon. On the other hand, Nancy learns it's not too late to terminate the pregnancy. Andy's all for it, but Nancy plants an herb garden instead of acting or thinking on her own behalf in any way. Twelve hours later, the plants are dead, and Celia -- having witnessed the disposal of Sucio's body by Esteban's men -- is blackmailing her for Ikea money.
Ignacio takes Isabelle and Shane to get the weed back from Hot Ginger Teacher Guy, and they jack him for a bunch of bachelor stuff -- Zune, theremin, rollerblades, the usual -- but it might as well be ten thousand spoons, since Nancy drags him back to apologize. Of course, HGTG shoves Shane around, so Nancy -- Mama Bear hormones and years of parental guilt boiling away -- goes after the guy with a baseball bat. It's stunning. In the funniest and cleverest episode of the season, it's still a standout scene.
Silas and Doug have a meeting with "pot agent" and all-around sex god URBANIAK, which ends in a samurai attack. Later, they fight like cats and dogs -- or rather, like Silas and Judah used to, or Josh and Doug used to -- and eventually end up crying in each other's arms. I can't believe it took me this long to figure out what was going on there, but it's amazing -- and not unlike a free ride when you've already paid, considering Silas makes a better man than faux-father Doug on his best day.
Andy finally gets the money from Judah's summer fling in the grossest possible way -- in the company of shitting, barfing homeless guys, in fact -- but the black fly in his particular chardonnay is that the freedom it earns them scares Nancy so much she decides to move in with Esteban after all, bringing Shane along. Isn't that... What's the word I'm looking for?
Andy's sitting with Nancy in the waiting room of the Ren Mar Women's Health Center, where a youngish woman is eating a fast-food sandwich, much to Nancy's pregnant horror. She sits there staring at the girl with cute buns in her hair, looking like she's going to vomit out of every orifice including her eyes and ears, and the whole time she's bitching quietly about how the sandwich isn't even food, just nitrates and filler and whatever, and she doesn't even know what "filler" really means but she's upset by it just the same.
Meanwhile Andy's reading pamphlets about lady parts and decides that the scariest thing, out of all the scary things, that a woman's body is capable of doing is the whole period-sync thing. He calls it primal and like something wolves would do, and surmises that Nancy is probably an alpha she-wolf, menstrually speaking, and that wherever she goes all the other women's wombs probably just snap to it. My own theory is that Nancy's period wouldn't let anybody else have a period, when she's around, because it would steal focus.
Finally, apologizing in advance, Nancy notifies the young lady that her food is not of a high enough quality for Nancy's tastes. This is actually because Nancy is grossed out by the smell of it, but we're going to agree that in fact it's because she's self-righteous, as if that's better. The girl notifies Nancy that A) it's not a baby yet, and B) she's not keeping it anyway. Andy nods. "Hoovertown. We used to call it going to Van Nuys." Nancy's horrified, but he keeps going. "Because the place we went to was in Van Nuys?"
Nancy apologizes to the young lady for bothering her, and Andy goes on about how it's not even that big a deal, he went to Van Nuys like five times over the years. Well, not a big deal for him -- the ladies "tended to get a little weepy." Nancy's jaw drops ever lower. "Except for Dierdre. But I found out later she had Aspergers." Nancy's horrified, because who the fuck makes so many bad decisions in life that he or she proves party to five entire abortions? Andy Botwin: "My point is this. ...Science."
Dr. Alanis lets us know that Nancy saw her for her first ultrasound, before she started going to the scary alien mothership Mexican office. Nancy complains of nausea and Alanis is like, your sense of smell is bionic, huh? "I could be a superhero." Chalk that one up to the miraculous weirdness of pregnancy, right, but Nancy -- around the teeth-clenching cold of the speculum -- says it's worse because she lives in a house of men, so she's smelling bad, bad things. "I breathe through my mouth so much my lips are chapped! But seriously I'm fine and by the way you do abortions too right?"
Yes. And how late is too late? Alanis asks if she's really considering it, and Nancy says the most honest thing she's ever said: "I don't know. No. I don't think about it." Alanis tells her to create an oasis and surround herself with nice smells, like pancakes or flowers, and then gently asks if she wants to make another appointment. "For a followup?" Alanis smiles. "For whatever you decide." I love this because every word she says is exactly what Alanis would say and how she would say it. If she were a gynecologist.