Weeds

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Like a Wire Inside

Celia shows off a picture of Isabelle looking adorable -- "Before!" -- and swings her around in a chair, painted up like a whore: "After!" She looks like a clown crossed with Celia's prison look. "With the help of You're Pretty cosmetics," Celia has transformed "this plain-faced young girl" into a lovely woman "now ready to meet the man of her dreams!" If in turn the lady of his dreams looks like Miss Demeanor from that '90s cartoon COPS, then yes: This is no dream, this is really happening!

Isabelle reminds her mother that she's into girls, and Celia hisses at her to play along. The assembled mall workers are unimpressed. A walleyed and fundamentally unable woman from Orange You Thirsty bitches at Celia for awhile about the promised free samples, and then there's a sort of disorganized, unmotivated riot befitting these ladies' life station, and finally she's reduced to just hurling samples at their faces: "Kill me! Rob me blind, grubby! Stay blotchy and unattractive, bitch!" That's sales acumen, right there. You know, at first glance I would have said sales was a good call for Celia, but really it's not, because even though she's shallow she's also honest to the point of having a disability.

Some cute, flirty girl in a pink uniform, Danielle, sidles up to Isabelle singing the Huskaroos song ("You're beautiful in... All the things you do...") with a certain Pussycat Dolls emphasis on "all" that makes her sort of cartoonishly horny, like that wolf with the eyeballs that pop out and the tongue goes like a window shade. Isabelle flirts back competently, while Celia rolls her eyes, and Danielle moans like she's having an orgasm about how Isabelle looks better "without all that crap" on her face. It's like watching a xerox copy of a girl who once saw a girl flirt with somebody, but I blame the director. At least she's easier to deal with than those skanks of Shane's. Danielle leaves, and Celia says -- much to Isabelle's chagrin, although it barely even makes sense -- "...And there goes the dyke market."

Nancy stares down at the General Lee, asking if he's effing kidding, and Andy patiently explains that it's the General Lee. "I know? I was twelve once too," she reminds him, and he proudly tells her it was one of seventeen cars used in Season Four of The Dukes Of Hazzard. "Unlock please," she says petulantly at the door, and he says it's welded shut. "In that case a little help please," she says, totally exhausted by life. Andy spends about ten minutes force-feeding her into the car, and it's really uncomfortable to watch. "Get your hand off my boob!" she yells, and he tells her to deal with it. He jumps in on the other side, head-first, and she complains about the car some more. (And she doesn't even know where the money actually came from yet!) He tells her to be glad he didn't end up winning the auction on Fonzie's motorcycle, and they zoom away.

The first actually attractive, non-butterface bikini walks into the dispensary, asking for the manager. Her name is Tinsley and she's looking for a job. Long story short, this means Doug wants to fire Blitt because he's stoned enough to think she would ever touch him, so Blitt runs to Silas to complain, and Doug drops about a million racial jabs on Blitt that are very Doug, in that they're not actually very clever or interesting or funny, and their partnership suddenly dissolves because Silas is tired of dealing with Doug's retarded ass. Oh, and one funny exchange where Blitt offers to set Doug up with his cousin, if he needs "pussy," but Doug asks if his "horny as shit" cousin Rachel looks anything like him.

Nancy thanks Andy, and offers to pay for gas. Andy says she's already done enough by showing him what he really wants in life: the right woman, a child, to carry on the Botwin legacy. "You've got a cute butt, it would be a shame not to pass that on," she smiles condescendingly, and laughs while he protests that she's being snide, which she is. Their chemistry gets normal for a second, talking about how he has as much to offer as Judah once did -- including being alive, Nancy points out for the millionth time, at which Judah ultimately failed -- and he reminds her that he's a total rockstar in bed, which we know to be true and which is the general consensus. He explains again that the key is "Wrong and focused work ... Where the sidewalk ends," and waggles brows at her. "I know, Andy. I'm a girl."

Andy asks about Esteban's boudoir style, offering that he seems selfish, like he'll throw you on a table and fuck you selfish. Just a touch too close, of course, so she gets a little steel in her voice: "That works too." Andy's proud, having figured she liked it rough. "I'm precise, connected. An artist. You and me never would have worked. Not rapey enough for you." Too close, too close.

Rosemary Woodhouse: "I dreamed someone was raping me. I think it was someone inhuman.
Guy Woodhouse: "It was kinda fun, in a necrophile sort of way..."

"Consider yourself lucky! I'm fucking poison, you don't have to drink it anymore." He toasts to that, and reminds her of the handjob raincheck, which makes her laugh for a moment. He stares: "Oh, God. I still love you."

Then he goes through about fifteen personalities, too. It's beautiful, especially with the moonshiner beard wobbling around on his face. "No I don't. I don't! You're just an obsession. I want what I can't have. I'm so fucked up, Jesus you are poison! Fuck you!" It's like a wire inside him, getting tighter. Done with this part of the conversation, she remembers when the General Lee used to go a lot faster. He throws it down, and "Dixie" plays as her eyes go wide.

Celia comes back to Bubbeh's house -- ("Witches! All of them, witches!") -- tossing her YP cases through the door ahead of her, and Shane stares from the Ms. Pac-Man game. She's surprised to see him, of course, but he explains that after six months, somebody's trying to kill them again, so Nancy told him to come here after school. "Which leads to the question, Why send me to the most obvious place?" Celia sits down and laughs, reminding him that Nancy leads a charmed life and will be fine.

"I am," on the other hand, "Jinxed. Cursed. Blighted. Nothing works out for me." Shane asks what's in the cases, and she sighs. "A lot of false promises. I could use a foot massage." He rolls his eyes, but goes to the couch, and they have two separate conversations about life at the same time while he rubs her feet:

"Never go into sales," Celia advises. "It's humiliating. I'm Willy Loman. Dean was supposed to be Willy Loman."

"I fucking hate Mexicans," Shane says, "They're animals. They have no regard for human life. I think I'm going to move back here. Can you tell my mom you'll take care of me?"

Celia catches wind of what he's saying for the first time, and narrows her eyes at him: "No way! I have enough problems of my own without taking on Nancy's." Besides, she asks, why would he or anybody want to be stuck with her, counting on her fingers: "I'm a bitch. I drink. And I peddle useless shit that nobody wants." Shane explains that he doesn't actually need her to take care of him, he just wants an excuse so that Nancy will leave him alone, and then tells Celia to peddle "something people want." Such as? Drugs. She groans expansively: "Now you tell me! I just blew my whole wad on eyeshadow and zit concealer!" She sends him to get her a drink, and he sort of grins about how insane she is, and goes. But while he's gone, the wheels start turning. Oh dear.

Rosemary Woodhouse: "Are you trying to get me to be his mother?"
Roman Castavet: "Aren't you his mother?"

Alanis! Is happy to see Nancy, calling her a "crescent to a full moon" since the last time she saw her, still using her Alanis powers to not be a douchebag when she says this. Nancy apologizes for seeing another doctor

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