Is it just me, or does Matthew Fox get yummier with every episode? It can't be just me. If you say it is, you're lying like a Linus.
Sideways: Jack Shephard wakes up and is greeted by his son, David. Soon, sister Claire joins them at the breakfast table. David has a concert coming up; his mom will be there, so he implores Jack not to get "all weird." Jack is well-acquainted with the soul-sucking experience of parenting an adolescent, so he's chill. But then, he gets a call from someone claiming to be from Oceanic Airlines. The caller says Oceanic has located Jack's missing cargo (a.k.a. Christian's rotting corpse). When they hang up, we see that Jack's mystery caller is actually Desmond.
Des sits in his car outside Locke's school. Since Locke has returned to work, Des is back to stalking him, but when Ben confronts him, Desmond explains that he isn't trying to kill Locke; he is just trying to help him "let go."
Des shows Ben the light by pounding the dickens out of him and then zooms away. Locke checks in on Ben in the school nurse's office. He's ready to call the cops until Ben tells him that he saw "something" -- and that he believes "the man" is simply trying to get Locke to "let go." That's enough to shake Locke's soul. He hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, Desmond reports to the Police Station and asks to see a detective.
Once he meets Detective James Ford, Des confesses to Locke's hit and run, and Ben's beating. Ford throws him in the pokey. His cellmate is Sayid Jarrah. Over in the next cage Kate Austen lies -- immune to Desmond's charms, because how many boys can she keep track of, y'all?
Eventually, it's time to move Kate, Sayid and Des to the county lock-up. Kate pleads her innocence to -- and otherwise works her wiles on -- Ford, but he resists. However, Ana-Lucia is their paddy-wagon driver. She releases the detainees down by the waterfront right after Mr. Hugo Reyes, millionaire, pays her off to the tune of $125K. Des sends Sayid with Hurley, and takes Kate with him. She's to be his date to the concert at the museum that night. He's even got a slinky black dress -- for her, you guys. Sheesh.
Finally, John Locke goes to see Dr. Jack Shephard. He tells Jack about the strange comments his assailant made (i.e. helping Locke to "let go") which echoed Jack's comments to Locke at discharge. That's too coinky-dinky for Locke's taste. "Maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe you're supposed to fix me. [...] Call it whatever you want, but here I am, and I think I'm ready to get out of this chair." Hooray!
Islandways: Jack patches up Kate's gunshot wound, because even though the bullet went straight through, he has to guard against INFECTION. I keep waiting for them to acknowledge how beautifully this bookends Kate patching up Jack in the Pilot episode, but of course they don't, because they don't know that they're in a long-running TV series that's nearing its end. Kate knows one thing, though: Faucke is responsible for Jin and Sun's death, and so they must kill him. Jack agrees. Later, as Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley watch the sub debris wash up on the shore, Sawyer is clearly contrite. Jack, who has come a long way, baby, doesn't rub it in. Instead he tells his mates they should get going. Desmond's in a well, and if Faucke wants Des dead, our Losties will need him.
Meanwhile, Miles, Richard and Ben make their way back to New Otherton to find the C4 Ben squirreled away. It's in his secret room behind the bookcase, but before they can grab it and run, Charles Widmore and Zoe show up. I kept hoping she was Annie, but since Faucke slits her throat, it seems less than likely. We do learn, however, that Widmore is back on Craphole at Jacob's invitation, and also that both he and Ben are weak. Widmore confesses what he knows to Faucke in a bargain to save Penny's life. He brought Desmond back to Craphole because of his unique resistance to electro-magnetism. "He was a measure of last resort." As Charles attempts to whisper the rest of his secrets in Faucke's ear, Ben shoots him. "He doesn't get to save his daughter." Linus then joins forces with Faucke to save himself. "Did you say there were some other people to kill?" Oh, Ben.
On their way to the well, Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley meet up with Jacob. Hurley sees him first, in Boy-form (Kenton Duty). Boy-Jacob tells Hurley to hand over the sack o' Jacob. When our fab four then catch up with adult (Mark Pellegrino) Jacob, he's sitting by a fire (into which he must have poured his ashes) and says he'll leave them once the fire burns out. He explains that he's at fault for Smokey, and that he chose them -- not as a punishment, but because they were all flawed -- like him -- alone and looking for something they couldn't find. He needs a replacement. Any of them will do, provided they're willing. Kate wonders why her name was crossed out. Jacob explains: "You became a mother." Awww.
Jacob needs someone to guard the island's
hooha light from Faucke. Jack volunteers, awing Hurley, melting Kate's panties and giving Sawyer one more thing about which to bitch: "And I thought that guy had a God complex before." Kate shushes him: "James." Sawyer: "Yeah. I know." Jacob takes Jack down to the magical stream. He prepares the Eucharist, with water, instead of wine. Jack: "How long am I going to have to do this job?" Jacob: "As long as you can." Once the ritual is complete, Jack is visibly enlightened. Jacob approaches him. "Now you're like me."
Ben follows Faucke through the jungle to Desmond's well, but it's empty. Ben: "Looks like someone helped him out." Faucke: "No, Ben. Someone helped me out." Ben asks what Charles told him. Faucke: "He said Desmond was a fail-safe -- Jacob's last resort in case, God forbid, I managed to kill all his beloved candidates -- one final way to make sure that I never leave this place." Ben: "Then why are you happy that he's still alive?" Faucke: "Because I'm going to find Desmond, and when I do, he's going to help me do the one thing I could never do myself. I'm going to destroy the island." Dun. Bad robot!
Elsewhere and when: Islandways, Smokey seems to kill Richard, but I am completely ignoring that for now, so shut up. And in the Sideways, Danielle Rousseau and Dr. Benjamin Linus bond over his devotion to her daughter, Alex.
I'm starting the full recap, now. Until then, please grade the episode in the "Episode Report Card" at the top of the page, and then join us in the forums where the wine flows like water -- or something.
Previously on Lost, Faucke tricks our fair heroes into blowing Widmore's submarine (which they are occupying at the time!) to kingdom come. Sayid dies; Jin and Sun, too. Frank is missing and presumed dead. Our fab four, Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley wash back up on the shores of Craphole, quite worse for the wear. Jack stares out at the ocean until the Jears flow like rain. And now...
Sideways: We open on Jack's right eye. It flutters as he wakes, but here, Jack's eyes aren't quite green or blue, just washed out. His home, his life, his world is neither black nor white. Everything is beige -- like spent grass during the dog days of summer. The most conspicuously absent color is that which saturates every aspect of life in the Islandways: green, so when Jack enters the bathroom to perform his morning ablutions, his mouthwash catches the eye. It's contained by a bottle, and if you take
out the cork off the cover, minty freshness will escape and spread throughout the Sideways. Do it, Jack. Do it. He can't.
As soon as the water is on, he's shutting it off again, to take a long hard look at the vision of loveliness staring him in the face: his reflection. It's a standard bathroom mirror, not a 3-way, so fate, coincidence, magic, science, Jacob or God gives Jack a little push. The unexplained neck nick he discovered in the Sideways Oceanic 815 lavatory mirror starts to bleed, again. As Jack dabs at it, he's greeted by his cheerful, well-adjusted blue-eyed boy, David. "I made breakfast."
As Jack travels from the kitchen to the dining room, he quips that opening a box of cereal isn't exactly "making" breakfast, but David takes the ribbing in stride. The boy reminds Jack he's in a concert, tonight; his (mystery) mom will be there, so he implores Jack not to get "all weird." Jack is well acquainted with the soul-sucking experience of parenting an adolescent, so he's chill. As he and his Mini-Me smile at each other, Claire joins them at the family table. The Squires Shephard are so chivalrous -- so solicitous -- as they jump up to their feet to get her situated. When David asks his newfound auntie if she'd like cereal, I yell, "No. Toast with peanut butter," but apparently "Super Bran" is all that's on the menu today, because it's time to shit or get off the pot. Toward that end, Jack gets a call from someone claiming to be from Oceanic Airlines. The caller says Oceanic has located Jack's missing cargo (aka Christian's rotting corpse) and it will be arriving in Los Angeles by day's end. When they hang up, we see that Jack's mystery caller is actually Desmond.
Islandways; Beach: Jack pulls a standard black thread from what could be a t-shirt, but I swear is a pair of boxer briefs. Kate fights back tears, gasps, grasps his arm, and probably counts to five in her head as he does the best he can do to stitch her up. The Widmoron bullet went straight through, but they must guard against infection. How would Kate act were she to be infected? Would she settle on one fella and stop running? Not to go all Rolling Stones on you Jack, but maybe you should let it bleed. Kate tells Jack about Sun and Jin's daugther, Ji Yeon, like he wasn't back on the mainland for three years himself, but her point? "Locke did this to them. We have to kill him, Jack." Jack nods. "I know." Look at the grey in his beard. I said look; don't touch! Title card.
Sawyer stands at the shoreline, watching the tide carry in debris from the Widmore submarine, including lifejackets -- devoid of life. Soon, he's flanked by Hurley and Kate, who lays her head on Sawyer's slopey shoulder. Jack joins them and they continue their moment of silence -- the only memorial our dearly departed will receive tonight. Jack's benediction is a sigh. And then: "We should get going now." Hurley asks Jack, "Go where?" Jack: "Before Sayid died, he said that Desmond was in a well. If Locke wants Desmond dead, then we're going to need him." Sawyer puts on his game face. Jack nods at him and leads the tiny band of true Jacobites to their destiny.
Sideways: Des sits in his car outside Locke's school. Since Locke has returned to work, Des is back to stalking him. Once his prey wheels away from his van, Desmond starts his car, but before he can aim at the poor bastard again, Dr. Ben Linus runs up and bangs on the hood. "Hey, don't you dare!" He looks around and yells to anyone who'll listen: "It's him! The guy who hit Mr. Locke. Someone call the police, right now." Des hops out of the car to confront Ben, who just won't shut his mouth. "I saw what you did. I'm making a citizen's arrest." Yeah, good luck with that, Ben. Desmond punches Ben in the nose and slams him down on the hood of the car, but Ben won't shut up. "I will not let you hurt Mr. Locke, again." Des: "I'm not here to hurt him. I'm here to help him let go." Ben asks: "Who are you?" Desmond: "You want to know who I am?" He winds up and pummels Ben until he gets a vision of the first time a then puffy-haired special snowflake beat him up, at the Long Beach Marina. Once Desmond is satisfied, he tosses Ben to the ground and screeches away. Reportedly, Henry Ian Cusick actually blackened Michael Emerson's eye in this scene. I have to work very hard to separate the lovely and talented Emerson from the weasely Linus, so that I don't cheer at the thought.
Islandways; Jungle: Ben leads Miles (!) and Richard back toward New Otherton. When Miles doesn't recognize the path they're taking, Ben snips that he lived in the barracks for a long time. "I think I can remember how to get there." Miles: "Well, I lived in these houses thirty years before you did -- otherwise known as last week." Heh. Richard interrupts the bickering to inquire as to whether Ben has enough explosives to blow up the plane and whether it's still where he left it. Ben: "It's C4, Richard. I put some thought into hiding it." Miles: "Lemme guess. Cookie jar?" Ben (dryly): "Don't be ridiculous." A beat. "It's in my secret room, behind the bookcase." Okay, in the Sawyer/Miles cop-buddy show, I want Ben to be their regular informant. Y'hear, Hollywood? So mote it be.
As they enter New Otherto