Wolf Lake

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | 1291 USERS: C+
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Excitable Boy

So, Donner decides to chat with Miranda privately. He pulls a completely unconvincing "Let's assume it's not totally outside the realm of possibility" act, or something to that effect, which has all the efficacy of a thirteen-year-old asking for information about condoms because he has an anonymous friend who might want to have sex. Donner wants a description of the wolf rapist, right down to fur and eye color. "In most precincts, just 'wolf' would be enough to narrow it down," she mutters. My take on all this is that Miranda has a vague idea about shapeshifting and how it relates to Wolf Lake, but hasn't actually seen proof beyond the fishy cemetery and such. Otherwise, she wouldn't have said anything at all to Lou about a wolf rapist, for fear of retribution from the shapeshifters out to protect their secrets. How they've remained secrets, though, I don't know. It's pretty unrealistic. Oh, wait, it's more than that -- it's wolf-people. Miranda tells Donner she doesn't envy him his job, and gets up to leave the office. Miranda, we now learn, is wearing a napkin for a dress. She must've read Hornball Etiquette IV and paid special attention to the chapter about not covering up one's privates. "There's two kinds of people in this town," she tells Donner dramatically. "I still don't know which kind you are."

Bruce has acquired a karaoke machine, and belts out his Sinatra song with a vengeance. No, really, I think he's angry and trying to kill it. Tyler enters behind him, chiming in on the "vagabond shoes" line. Bruce is startled, but thinks it's a friendly collaboration and lets Tyler wheel him gracefully across the hardwood floor as they sing and pseudo-dance. Scott Bairstow shouldn't sing. He's losing points rapidly. The Irish judge, in particular, docked him nine-tenths of a point for not doing shots of whiskey first. (And yes, avid Heathen haters, I'm faintly Irish -- so I tease because I am.) Tyler leans in and whispers, "You did it, Brucie. You sniveling, bottom-feeding gimp." Bruce is surprised. "You ran her down and took her, and you got to feel like a real man for, what, five whole minutes?" Tyler sneers. Bruce claims innocence, but Tyler exposits that he and his buddies returned after the bar closed and saw his wheelchair and crutches poorly hidden in the alley. "So?" Bruce says defiantly. Tyler paces around to face Bruce, then grabs him and throws him against the wall, growling that he refuses to take the fall for this crime. "You'd better talk to your big brother [and] get him to make this all go away," he threatens. Bruce spits that Ty is really desperate; Ty basically implies he's willing to kill Bruce if it becomes necessary. Whatever. Do it.

Wolf Lake

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