Five. A good, solid number -- isn't it? -- with so many ties to our daily lives. Five fingers. Five toes. Five golden rings. Five minutes of Charmed is five minutes too many. Five Alive. The Jackson Five. Five corpulent porpoises. Gimme Five. Five episodes of Wolf Lake. Five...what? Oh, yeah, this show got cancelled. Well, it's on "hiatus," but I think we all know how such things usually go. It's the Hiatus of the Damned. Right about now, Tim Matheson is blowing his paycheck on scented candles, two nubile strippers with a chain fetish and a Harley -- all before rolling back over to The West Wing, giving Aaron Sorkin a framed copy of a Wolf Lake script, and autographing it, "Dear Aaron: Let's never, ever fight. Ever. Love, The Veep."
So for the last time -- at least until CBS sells the rights to the UPN, or perhaps the Czech Republic -- CBS has graciously supplied many of the same damn "previously" clips that aired before the last two episodes, plus a handful of things from last time. Basically, we know Lou is looking for Ruby, whose powerful father is holding her captive, and Tyler the Hot But Evil Villain wants to marry her in a purely political move. Sophia wonders if she's a wolf, and gets curious about the double life she might have a chance to lead. Her father doesn't want her to lead that life. Oh, no! What will she do?
Miranda, the sultry and overrated lounge singer, saunters around the bar dressed in a short, tight skirt and a tummy-baring tank top. She starts grooving and twirling to the Latin-flavored background music. Arthur Murray vomits all over the inside of his coffin. Tyler ogles her hungrily. His friend doesn't understand Ty's interest, and is unable to conjure thick enough beer goggles to turn Miranda into a luscious meal. Tyler insists it just takes a little creativity. "Granted, she's basically dead from the neck up, but from the neck down? World-class," he grins. I hope that's how they wrote up the audition notice, so that Brandy Heidrick could stare at her dead face in the mirror, throw her hands up in the air and shout, "It's like they wrote the part for me!" How reassuring when everyone on your show has decided you're basically hideous, but with redeeming knees -- oh, and tits. Tyler figures the scenery doesn't matter. "Why look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire?" he growls. Fabulous. A man in a wheelchair -- a Meat Loaf sort with a long ponytail -- watches this unfold. Tyler strolls around to Miranda's gyrating body, stands behind her, and slides his hands down her thighs, basically making sure the whole bar is watching her crotch. He rubs her just long enough for me to feel unclean. Miranda rejects his offer to nail. Yet somehow, her body has now turned around, pinned against his and lowering itself slowly onto the pool table. This facilitates banter, and the missionary position. Miranda's legs are basically wrapped around his groin. If he sneezed hard, they'd be having sex. No one else in the bar seems to mind two people pseudo-porking on the pool table. They're just happy to be there. Tyler glides a hand down Miranda's shoulder and across her left boob. Scott Bairstow's all, "Enjoy it while it lasts, because we just told the whole country you're a fugly troll." Wheelchair Man winces. He has boobs, too, but they don't get nearly as much attention. Miranda prods Tyler's chest with a cue when she rejects him, but given that she's still cleaving to his groin, I'm pretty sure it counts as a mixed message. Tyler notes that she must need to be chased before she "flip[s] open like a cheap suitcase." Smiling, Miranda clocks him in the jaw. Tyler lands hard on the floor, a small, bright red gouge appearing on the apple of his left cheek. Wheelchair Man wants him to cut the crap, because they're closing soon. "I dropped three hundred dollars in here tonight, Brucie," Tyler snarls. "I say when we close." Miranda wiggles over to Tyler and smirks, "You should put some alcohol on that," then dumps her drink over his head. Tyler is annoyed, and blue-balled. "Good night, Power Rangers," Miranda purrs. "It's been a slice." I'm going to miss this show! But whenever I'm blue and lonely for it, I'll just roll around in a sewer and suddenly it'll be like Wolf Lake never left me.