Wolf Lake
Soup To Nuts

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Soup To Nuts

Moon Shot V carries us into the show; then we see a deserted highway for what feels like the zillionth time. I should be counting that, too. On a hill above the road, Luke and Pammy and two of the other Care Bears point their unique stare at a big rig zooming around a corner. "Right on time," grins Luke. The trucker is giggling at whatever's on his radio, paying no particular attention to the road until he hears a wolf howling. Suddenly, the ceiling trembles. Then a wolf leaps onto the hood. Wow, that does look like fun. Wish I were a wolf. The trucker is so freaked that he swerves off the road, flipping the rig, which skids to a halt near the side of the street. Small fires start near the back. Crawling out into the street, the bloodied man peers up to see four naked youths crouched in a line before him. He grins feebly, certain he knows how this will end because he rented Road-Sex Posse III: The Gang Banging of David last weekend. Then he collapses. Frantically, Luke throws the driver into the flatbed of his pickup truck and peels away from the wreckage, just as CGI flames engulf the tanker. It explodes.

Inside the car, Luke is sweating. He berates Pammy for jumping onto the roof of the truck. "What were you thinking?" he freaks. "Who's thinking?" she spits. Good comeback. I'm still lost as to what the initial purpose of their little scamper was supposed to be. Their pal in the flatbed is screaming, "This is really bad, man!" and the fourth wolf is somehow absent. The trucker's face is bloodied and coated in pus; he twitches violently, and his hand slaps against the back window, prompting Pammy's wry observation, "Good news. He's alive." Welcome to I Know What You Did Last Full Moon.

This week, we have credits. Lou gets top billing, then Tim Matheson, and the actors who play Luke and Sophia. Scott Bairstow gets an "also starring" credit, Sharon Lawrence gets "with," and Graham Greene gets an "and." Heather Locklear is dubbed "special guest star," a title she'll keep for seven seasons, wherein her wolf will first run an ad agency, then buy Wolf Lake and turn it into condos.

Moon Shot VI. Lou is at the sheriff's office, bitching as usual. "A holocaust of dead kids in the cemetery, dating back to the 1800s; a religion that exists nowhere else in the world; wolves and weird Indians; and a fertility rate that would make the Pope blush," Lou lists angrily. "Does none of this strike you as odd?" Donner shrugs. He is so beyond caring what Lou has to say. "Oh, and another thing: is it my imagination, or is the moon always full around here?" Lou asks. No, Lou. It's called "stock footage," or "B-roll." Donner sweetly points out how terrible the sweaty, clammy Lou looks. Lou demands access to the sheriff's records, on the shaky grounds that it's some officer-to-officer courtesy. Donner laughs in Lou's face. I love when people do that. "Ruby Cates isn't here," Donner insists. "You're chasing the Holy Grail." Please. She's not that cute. Lou threatens to call in the FBI, with the bravura of a man completely deluded about his influence and station in life. But a Mulder/Scully crossover -- or their new-season discount equivalents -- would be pretty hilarious. Maybe they could do it in parody, with Agents Sculder and Mully, played by two very tenacious teddy bears bent on cracking the werewolf cartel. Donner totally mocks Lou's idea, pointing out that (a) Lou is delusional, (b) Ruby didn't even give him her real name, so it probably wasn't love, and (c) HA! Lou wipes his wet forehead while Donner explains that he's spoken to the Seattle officers and learned that Lou is a total nutjob. "Get help; try to keep your pension," advises Donner with a smirk. Lou rubs his face again, faintly aware of his own foolishness.

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Wolf Lake

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