Wolf Lake
Tastes Like Chicken

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
Tastes Like Chicken

Donner charges into his office, but stops limply when his deputy has nothing to report. Molly shrugs, too, but tells him Lou called and left a cell-phone number.

Lou's mobile rings as he's clearing stuff off the motel bed, ready for full-on two-quarter magic-fingers massage. When he hears Donner's voice, Lou informs him that he's got a hunch about the killer: it's a woman. Donner is shocked and doesn't quite believe it. To prove his theory, Lou tells him that Carolyn's killer puked at the crime scene, leaving remnants of a partially-digested brownie in the toilet bowl. "She checked herself in the mirror and threw her guts up in the bowl," sighs Lou. "I think she's bulimic." Donner, aghast, drops the phone and sprints for the door. Apparently, there is only one bulimic in town, and she's yakked her last cake.

Sophia fidgets in the pantry, trying to fray her rope handcuffs by rubbing her wrists against the laundry basket. Nancy is perched on the arm of Luke's chair, holding his head to her chest. "Fear, that's all it is," she muses. "Twenty-four hours a day of fear, interrupted by moments of basic cable." Except I've watched TNN, so I'm pretty much afraid of basic cable, too. Luke sobs that he's not ready for Willard to kick it. "What the hell am I supposed to do if he's gone?" he wails. Sweetly, Nancy suggests that he go ask that very question of Willard. He sighs, but rises. Nancy kicks him out, forcing him to walk by snatching his keys. "Hey, um, I know you've always been, like, this incredible sex machine," Luke says sheepishly. "But um, you're actually a really good person." Nancy, visibly touched, still kicks his ass out the door and charges after the strumpet she's going to flay.

Donner brakes hard outside the salon and bolts toward the door. Nancy stands before Sophia, raises a gigantic knife aloft, and hacks it downward...into a bag of ice. Aw, dang, ya got me! I thought she was wolf food. Nancy dumps the ice into the tub. Outside, Donner hasn't been able to force the lock open, so he shatters the glass door, draws his gun, and sprints toward Nancy's living room. She isn't in there. "Sophia?" he yells. She kicks the bathtub ice by way of response. He runs in there and cuts her rope, allowing her to tear off the duct-tape gag. Distraught, she clasps her father, who puts a coat around her shoulders and lifts her out. WolfCam watches this happen. Suddenly, a shadow dashes past the open door and out into the street. It's Wolf Nancy.

In a strange, blurred, and jerky effect, Donner scampers outside and tries to find her. We see Wolf Nancy growling underneath a building. He telepaths, "Nancy, I know you're there. Don't do this." And so the show begins its shame spiral. Nancy, in a voice that sounds like she's six and playing haunted house, voice-overs, "Forgiiive me, Matthew! I've faaaaailed you!" He insists she hasn't. "Heaven is closed to me now!" she continues howling. "My soooul is a black house filled with pity, abomination! I can't live like this anymore, Maaatthew!" Donner begs her to reconsider. "Don't blame yourself," she whispers stupidly. "I'm behind youuuuuuuu." He turns, she pounces, he shoots, he scores, she drops, she dies. It's like this show is trying to get cancelled, part of some experiment to test just how long a program will last if the director takes a crap on every tape before airing it. Nancy lies naked and dead on the street. If all wolves reappear as naked humans, then why did Vivian have her clothes on two episodes ago, when she finished chasing Lou? She didn't have enough time to get dressed. Whatever. It's not worth worrying about, really.

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Wolf Lake




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