Welcome to Wonderfalls. No, literally, "Greetings from Wonderfalls," reads the postcard that greets us at the top of the show that could possibly put the "irk" back in "quirky." Pull back to reveal Niagara Falls. Pull back to reveal tourist filming Niagara Falls through his videocamera. "Niagara Falls," we hear a girl say in voice-over. "One of the seven natural wonders of the world." Camera swoops to crying kid. Swooping camera to: natural wonders. Waving tourists. Newlyweds making out.
The girl tells us the story of the "Maid of the Mist," the legend in this part of Niagara Falls, as some kid heckles her speech. As she talks, we are treated to a CGI spectacular. The god of the waterfall was angry, and the Indians were afraid of him because the water kept killing people, so they decided to give the waterfall presents. Intercut this monologue with View-Master shots of Indians, canoes of fruit, and then a canoe filled with thirty or so animals, including a moose and an opossum. Still following? This scene is a recapper's nightmare, by the way. Anyway, View-Master to a shot of the Indian chief's pretty daughter, who became the ultimate sacrifice. Someone in MamaLane's Antique Shop turns on a lamp, and the shade comes to life, continuing the story, illustrating the Indians sending the chief's daughter up the river to the falls. The kid interrupts here with a line that was clearly added to ease the network: "Native Americans never practiced human sacrifice." The views reflected by Wonderfalls do not necessarily reflect those of FOX Broadcasting. Unless they're talking about boobies, in which case Fox says: "Right on, dude." So the chief has second thoughts about drowning his daughter (who looks about the same age as he is), and paddles after her, but she's too busy being noble and proud. "I surrender to destiny," she says, which apparently is now the slogan popular around there for t-shirts and stuff. Pull back to reveal videotapes with "I Surrender to Destiny" written in Indiana Jones sans serif. We see a television with a canoe re-enactment. "Anyway, so then Princess takes the plunge, but it's all good because the god thought the daughter was hot, so he spared her life." Shot of water god eating girl in canoe, smiling, and then retreating into the waterfall. "He promised if she stayed with him in the cave he'd forgive her people, and protect and enchant their land until the end of time." Pull back to reveal another Niagara Falls postcard.