Wonderfalls
Wax Lion

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Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
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Greetings From Wonderfalls

Smash cut to Jaye telling her bartender, "I think the universe is conspiring against me." I think I'm getting a little sick of her melancholy. The bartender can't believe it's the entire universe. "All of creation," Jaye says. "It's a plot. I know that now." He asks what the plot is. Jaye says she can't tell him, because Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet. The bartender says he always thought Vanna had a big head. Jaye agrees. Big heads look better on camera. Many celebrities have big heads. I'm just throwing in a fun fact there because I've got nothing else to do. Are y'all bored? Just wondering. "See? Simpatico," the bartender says to Jaye, which means some other scene must have been cut that explains that one. Jaye smiles and says she's been in the bathroom for a very long time. What's your name, bartender? Oh, well. Maybe Jaye's a lesbian, too.

Jaye apologizes to Sharon and Thomas, saying someone was just telling her the most interesting story about pirates. "I bet," Sharon says, her mouth full, between shovels of salad. Thomas asks Jaye if her sister is really a lesbian. Jaye freaks out on Thomas, saying that just because a woman isn't attracted to him, it doesn't make her a lesbian. Jaye stops and asks him, "Did you have that goiter before?" Thomas's neck is now enormous as he hesitantly asks, "Were there peanuts in this salad?" Who knows why his swollen neck gives him a lisp, but okay.

Jaye hauls ass to the hospital. Sharon and Thomas are in the back seat. Jaye asks Sharon what was that crack about her being a lesbian: "Are you a lesbian? I mean, it's not horribly surprising, but are you?" Sharon asks what she means about it not being horribly surprising. "You drive an SUV," Jaye says. Wacky music plays as Thomas suffocates on his own throat. Jaye suggests they "trach him." Sharon asks if she has a pen. Jaye: "Ball point or fine tip?" Sharon takes the ball point as Jaye asks if Mom knows. "She would unspool," says Sharon, uncapping the pen in her mouth. Jaye asks if she can tell Mom. "No!" Sharon screams, and then jams the pen into Thomas' neck.

Hospital. Thomas is wheeled in. Sharon and Jaye run into the emergency room. View-Master to commercial.

Hospital room. Thomas is fine. The doctor tells Jaye that the Medium Point Bic Round Stick is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies. You know what's funny? What I type before I spellcheck, when I'm working on coffee speed and don't want to slow down to think out the polysyllabic word. My first attempt? "Tracheotimoys."

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Wonderfalls

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