Wax Lion

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B- | Grade It Now!
Greetings From Wonderfalls

...head outside to the Maid of the Mist statue, the word "loser" still echoing as Jaye anxiously eats her sandwich. She watches Alec outside the door, thanking everyone for shopping at Wonderfalls. Two scenes ago he was just as big a slacker as she is, and in three minutes he became super assistant manager due to a flashback? As Jaye thinks really mean thoughts about Alec, she chokes on her sandwich. As she coughs and wheezes, trying to breathe, I would like to take this moment to ask the camera people to back the hell up. I don't need the trachea cam, okay? I get that she's choking. Jaye stands up and looks around frantically, but tourists hate helping people, and she's only standing in front of the main attraction, so nobody notices her. Jaye falls to her hands and knees. A man nearby drops some change. Jaye horks the wad of PB&J onto the ground as a quarter rolls to her hand. The man tries to get his change back, but Jaye snarls at him like a rabid dog. The man tells her to keep the change and backs away. Jaye picks up the quarter, still grimacing, and flings it behind her. As "majestic" music plays, the quarter flies through the air, smacks the statue and ricochets into the back of Jaye's head. It bounces off her head and into the water. "Ow!" Jaye shouts, and turns around to death glare at the statue. Jaye stares at the statue, rubs the back of her head, and pouts away. Close-up on the quarter in the water, reflecting sunlight.

View-Master swipe to a shot of a machine that makes wax molds, this one of a lion. (Why not a Maid of the Mist? Who knows.) We watch the lion get molded and then passed down a tube. A woman pulls the lion out of the "Mold-A-Rama" machine. She walks over to Jaye and says, "You didn't give me my discount and this lion is defective." She puts the lion on the counter. Part of its face is melted in. The woman comments, "The face. It's all funky." Jaye takes a good look at the funky lion and says that the vending machine doesn't belong to the store. "If you have a complaint, there's a number on the side." For some reason, they show us what the lion is supposed to look like, but I think we're all smart enough to see that the lion's a little melty. The woman says she's a guest at the Hillcrest hotel, and she has a coupon for a 20% discount, and Jaye didn't honor it. Jaye argues that the woman should have presented the coupon at the time of purchase. "My ass," says the woman. "I'm presenting it now." Jaye: "Did you just say 'My ass'?" Alec interrupts here to appease the unhappy patron, honoring her discount. Alec tells Jaye to give the woman her $3.86. He leaves, and the woman gives Jaye a satisfied smirk. As Jaye opens the till, the wax lion speaks up, telling Jaye that she shouldn't give the lady her money back. The digeridoo of magic tchotchkes kicks in. Jaye and the lady stare at each other -- Jaye in amazement, the lady in exasperation. Jaye looks around, but nobody else appears to have heard the talking lion. Jaye looks back at the lion, who is busy winking and wiggling his head a little. Jaye goes into the till to retrieve the lady's change. "Don't," says the lion. But Jaye does. The woman thanks her and walks out of the store, where she's immediately mugged. She screams that a man stole her purse, and calls him a son of a bitch. This is the time when I'd like to mention that I don't understand her scarf. It's kind of a ribbed turtleneck, but then it's also a scarf that's not ribbed at all. I think it's a scarf dickey, and that's crazy. As the woman shouts a million different curse words about the thief's mother, Jaye stares in shock. She looks down at the lion. "Told you," he says. Alec walks over and tells Jaye that her mother is on the phone. He tells her she has two minutes for a personal call. As Jaye takes the phone, Alec starts his watch. Jaye immediately passes out. Wait. That's not exactly true. She goes, "Hello, Mother." And then she goes, "Huhhhhhhh," which is the sound of fake fainting. Alec looks around, his tongue hanging a bit out of his mouth, thinking, computing. He stops his watch. The View-Master takes us to our first commercial break.

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