The crowd goes wild for Stone Cold Steve Austin in the ring to open the show. Austin takes the mic, as Lawler warns us to "cover the ears of the children." Perhaps the eyes as well? I mean, I enjoy the WWF as much as anyone, but if I take issue with anything about the WWF, it's the whole "We don't market to children" thing, because clearly they do. Well, that and the woman thing. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, back to Austin. He's practicing some revisionist history on his interaction with Rikishi at the Pay Per View. He claims that he was just giving Rikishi a ride in his truck, and wasn't trying to run him over at all, because Stone Cold couldn't "bear a grudge" against someone, and it was an accident that he ran into the police car. Dude, this is just like Cops, where the perpetrator makes up some ridiculous story to explain his behavior. Austin explains that the only charges that ended up being levied against him were for littering, because dumping Rikishi was like dumping garbage. Austin then thanks Mick Foley, and explains that he promised not to touch Rikishi unless provoked, and he will comply as long as he can take on Rikishi in a cage match on Monday's RAW. The announcers are stupefied. The audience supports Austin's pledge to beat Rikishi if he is provoked tonight. This whole speech would have been a lot more effective without Michael Cole yelling every two minutes, "What is going on with Stone Cold? We've never seen him like this!" Shut up, Michael Cole.
Cut to Rikishi watching the whole thing on a monitor. He says, "Oh, you wanna be provoked, huh? Right. Right." What? That was so lame. Why doesn't he just twirl his mustache before tying a damsel to the railroad tracks just in front of an oncoming train? I've seen more villainous behavior in Dudley Do Right.
Too Cool are talking to Rikishi in the locker room. Too Cool try to convince Rikishi not to provoke Austin tonight. Rikishi gets all offended that they think that he needs any kind of protection, and tells them that they wouldn't even be in the business if it weren't for him. Then Rikishi waddles off. Y'all know that Sexay only wears that bandanna on his head because otherwise he looks exactly like his father, Jerry Lawler, right? Check him out next time it falls off during a match -- they could be twins. Especially given the fact that I suspect Jerry Lawler has had a little nip and tuck. ["I agree. He's got that Liberace thing going on around the eyes now." -- Sars]
The Hardyz and Lita come out to the ring. We see a clip package reminding us of the following. The Conquistadores (Edge and Christian) won the Tag Team Title on the Pay Per View. Monday night on RAW, The Conquistadores were supposed to defend their titles against Edge and Christian. So, Edge and Christian convinces some random guys to drop the titles to them. The Hardyz stole the Conquistadores costumes and beat Edge and Christian, winning the titles back and then unmasking themselves. Mick Foley said the Hardyz could retain the belts, despite the costumes. Got that? The Dudley Boyz will be challenging the Hardyz for the titles tonight. Lawler tries to introduce even more confusion into the Conquistadores thing. Give it up, King. It's over. I hope. Jeff Hardy does the requisite "step on Matt's back and fly over the ropes to land on the opponent outside" move. Then he takes off his shirt, and all the little girls scream. No complaints here. Well, I would like to register a complaint about those things he wears on his arms. The Dudley Boyz battle back, until Jeff Hardy does a hurricanerana from the top turnbuckle on Buh Buh Ray. There are many near-pins. D-Von pins Matt, but while the ref is distracted, Jeff does a Swanton Bomb on both of them. Matt still fails to get the pin. Everyone is in the ring, and it's very confusing. The Dudley Boyz got the "D-Von diving into the crotch" move. Does that one have a name? The "Wasssup?" perhaps? Rather than just pin the incapacitated Hardyz and win the titles, the Dudleyz go for the tables. This allows Edge and Christian to come down and hit the Dudleyz with chairs, and the bell is rung, because that's interference. Edge and Christian hit the Hardyz with chairs for good measure. So, the Hardyz retain the titles due to disqualification.