In the green room, Demi and Simon have an inappropriate conversation about her love life, and then we're back to Kaci alpha-bitching to her sister some more and boasting about how big a star she knows she can be. Finally she heads out onstage in front of the judges. Simon tells her she reminds him of someone, and then looks pointedly between Kaci and Britney. Which I'm sure is going to be happening all damn season. She says she's going to sing "Firework," which is pretty bold because even Katy Perry can't sing that. L.A. is skeptical that Kaci's a singer at all for some reason and when the music starts Kaci turns out, unsurprisingly, to have a pretty weak, shaky voice. You can see the exact moment when Simon checks out and starts mentally going through his to-do list for when he finishes today's shoot. He mercifully stops her at the first chorus and politely says, "This is going to sound odd, but it sounded like you were dying." Kaci cops to being nervous and asks for another shot, which they aren't inclined to give her. They're about to vote until she cuts them off with a few badly-sung lines from "Mercy." Four no's for Kaci, although as consolation Simon tells her, "You are quite annoying." Kaci, leaving the venue with her sister: "Oh, well." Okay, she took that better than expected. Not much of a payoff, though.
I guess that's it for Austin, and in the absence of a host, the transition to San Francisco is facilitated by some local drag queens instead. The judges are entouraged to the San Francisco venue with all the accompanying Secret Service-style pomp, and we get to see them enter another venue all over again. Simon assures the screaming crowd that they're going to find a star. It's just going to take a while, as we first have to sit through a crazy screaming island girl, a pelvic-thrusting psycho bartender, a creepy old guy who looks like a drunk Mr. Weatherbee from Archie comics, a possibly male Beyoncé impersonator, a masked Usher who does bad comedy rather than bad singing, a nutty lady with a Simon voodoo doll and a slew of other horrible howlers. Then we cut to the parking lot, where this gross guy is ogling all the ladies. Imagine his (bleeped) chagrin when one hottie in booty-shorts and a bridal veil turns around and ends up being a dude. This would be Quatrele Da'an Smith (I know, spellcheck, settle down), who seems more than confident. By the time he hits the stage, the judges are pretty much over the Bay Area, but Britney and Demi are at least somewhat amused by him. He sings "Born This Way," like there's anything else a man could possibly sing while dressed like that. Unfortunately, he's not a terrible singer, which makes it a little more difficult to dismiss his whole overdone shtick. Difficult, but not impossible. The judges indulge him, but the audience seems to sincerely love him. Britney says his singing was a little off key, but "really entertaining." Demi just says she loves him and his lipstick color. Simon thinks he's like the offspring of Madonna, Bobby Brown and Dracula. "But in a weird way, I quite liked it," he admits, cracking himself up. L.A. votes no, Britney gives him a yes and so does Demi and even Simon, laughing like he doesn't have anything better to do. L.A. is left sitting there in frank amazement. Don't worry, L.A., I don't think the five million dollars is in any danger from Quatrele.