After the ads (and a change of clothes for the judges), the next auditioner is Terrell Carter, 36. He's the kind of guy who makes Paula get a total wide-on before he even sings. He croons a slow jam I don't know [Note: "Ribbon in the Sky" by Stevie Wonder -- RS.], and after Cheryl unwisely tells him he has "the package," he gets four yeses. Next is Ellona Santiago, 14, who we get to hear belting one line of a song with her family watching backstage before she gets four yeses as well. John Lindahl, 14, sings "Forget You." He's not great, but the girls in the audience love him and he's having fun, so he's got four yeses before heading back out to accept the adulation of what looks like his school's entire cheerleading squad. Man, that kid's going to get more tail before he's fifteen than I did all last week.
So, 22 minutes in, it's probably time to meet the first crazy. "Siameze" is 30 years old, with a cascading mane of black hair that starts roughly three feet above his eyebrows, and all that head is there for a reason. For instance, he tells us that when he's a "megastar" (and he's careful to make the distinction between that and "superstar"), he's going to launch his own energy drink, called "Siamenergy. Oh, let's just get this over with. Once he's onstage, and L.A. asks him what he'd do with the five million, he says he'd invest it in his career. Simon wishes him luck, and when the music starts, Siameze starts shrieking and dancing around in his sheer mesh shirt like the world's most rhythmic epileptic. When it's over, I start making up my mind about Cheryl when she says she was thinking, "Do I absolutely love this and think it's genius, or is this kind of weird?" Simon calls him a Prince copycat, but admits that it's "kind of fascinating." Paula gives props for Siameze's commitment, but says it's "not original enough." Which is a pretty ballsy thing for her to say, considering where she is and who she's sitting next to. But it gives L.A. cover to say no on the same grounds. Cheryl says no, and Paula's willing to give him a shot. Simon tells him, "You are talented, but you are deluded. But I'm gonna say yes." Like he would turn down another Sanjaya. As Siameze leaves the stage and cops to the Prince comparison (which he thinks is based on his looks and his heels, and not how very, very hard he works to sing and dance like Prince), Simon tells the other judges, "He would be a total nightmare."
Los Angeles at night, as if time has any meaning during this process. Steve says it's day two, and we see yet more nutjobs gathered outside in the predawn dark. And now, suddenly, we're in Pahrump, Nevada, in the double-wide home of Dan and Venita, a husband-and-wife duo who are 70 and 83, respectively, and not an un-dyed hair between them. They talk about the $5 million dollar contract as though they'd be able to spend it before they're dead, and head off to L.A. That was weird. We see them showing up at the venue some time after the judges do, and hear them complaining about the lunch prices in the cattle pen. Once the judges are settled at their tables, Dan and Venita take the stage, Dan acting all cheesy about how proud they are to be there and how many "years young" they are, like anybody has ever used the phrase "years young" except in reference to talking fossils. Simon asks them what they'll do if they win, and Venita starts going off about their motor home and playing senior centers. You can just see Simon's pupils turning into dollar signs when he hears that. They sing "Unchained Melody," and they're not only off-putting and weird, they also sing like a Saturday Night Live sketch. The judges sit through it in open-mouthed astonishment, politely waiting until they're done embarrassing themselves. At which point Simon says they were terrible. "I can imagine me and Paula being you in ten years' time," he says, which looks like it's news to Paula. L.A. calls a vote, and they hurriedly decline Venita's offer to sing again. L.A. and Cheryl give them nos, and while Simon gives them props for sticking it out, he says they're done. "Give it Up" by KC plays as Dan and Venita bid a slightly unhinged farewell from in front of a blinding white screen that makes it looks like they're already dead and shooting a posthumous fantasy scene from Six Feet Under or something.