Moving on. "You Only Live Once" is a pair of teenage girls, one of whom kind of sings while the other one runs around the stage simulating an earsplitting psychotic breakdown, earning them unanimous negatives. Linda Ostrofsky is a 61-year-old retired court clerk who performs "I Touch Myself" without ever touching a right note and gets the quad-boot. A cute-at-first-glance blonde named Miranda says she wants to be the next Madonna, but she sings "Firework" even worse than Katy Perry does. Simon tells her she's not a good singer, and Miranda tells him he's wrong. He hasn't been away long enough to care to engage with this crazy.
After a soda-commercial break, Steve tells us the winner will also get to star in a Pepsi commercial during the next Super Bowl, which he and the judges labor mightily to convince us is even bigger than the competition itself. Whatever, moving on. Simone Battle is next, a 21-year-old USC student whose pink hot pants the camera loves while she practices her Beyonce dance moves and talks about what sets her apart. Which, ironically, is pretty much the usual, only with a heavy infusion of the word "fierce." That could make her the hottest act of 2005, right there. Simon declares her "annoying" once she's in front of the judges, and asks what she'd call her first album. She says "Honey Work," because her sound is like "a threesome between a cheerleader, a hipster and a drag queen." Oh, I can't wait to hear this. She sings "When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls, and the judges seem pretty unconvinced during it. However, when she's finished, Simon says he likes her, which I'm sure has nothing to do with her hot pants. Cheryl says she has potential, but L.A. says he was "underwhelmed." Simon asks her to sing something else so they can just hear her voice, so she sings a few lines of "Bulletproof," and even though she's supposed to just be showing off her voice she can't seem to stop herself from doing a whole dance along with it. The crowd's impressed, but L.A. is still not won over. Simon tries to argue that he could work with her, but L.A. is implacable. Cheryl and Simon say yes, as does Paula, so she's in. Steve's voice-over tells us "a new rivalry is forming," in an obvious attempt to trump up some kind of conflict between Simon and L.A. They even have a whole clip package, showing L.A. telling a kid named Tom Slade no when Simon says yes, and the reverse to a hip-hop trio calling themselves "Late 2 Fame." They also disagree about a 14-year-old girl singing "Forget You," and a 12-year-old boy who sings Adele. They're even playing "Eye of the Tiger," during this montage, like being the only two judges on this panel who actually have opinions is going to have them beating on each other in a minute.