X Factor
Auditions #2

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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More of the Same

A 34-year-old hairdresser named Chanel Simone Dixon takes the stage with her blonde wig and gets to scat shrilly for about ten seconds before getting cut off. She demands an explanation, and Simon shrugs like, since you asked, and tells her it was awful. She too wants another try, and ever after getting kicked off the stage, she vows, "The only thing that's gonna stop me is if I die." Is that a dare?

Three dudes with black cowboy hats calling themselves "Kanan Road" attempt some three-part harmonies and sound as bad as Crosby Stills & Nash do live, so they're out too. Then there's another mother/daughter team like last night's, calling themselves "Dreamgirlz," who sing "Barracuda" by Heart. Insert Nightmaregirlz joke here, because they suck and get four nos. One member of their giant family backstage is so incensed at this that he starts yelling and swearing, embarrassing his family and Steve and all humans everywhere. I am hereby declaring Chad Patient Zero for X Factor Rage.

Back from the ads, Simon isn't even trying to be nice to these losers any more, telling a 25-year-old "Internet blogger" named Marissa Hopson that she sings like a three-year-old with a cold, causing her entire family backstage to go, "Oohhhh," in better harmony than Kanan Road. Then, for some reason, Gloria Estefan shows up to pump up the crowd from the venue's outside balcony. Wouldn't they let her in the building?

We meet Caitlynne Curtis, who is 16 years old and brought the whole fam dam. She sings "Firework" with a piano-only backing track, starting weak but better than most of what we've seen tonight. Still, Simon cuts her off before the first chorus. L.A. asks Nicole to go first, and she says, "I think there's room to grow," which Caitlynne, bless her poor naïve heart, takes as a compliment. Simon advises her to get herself into a group, because she doesn't have a good enough voice as a soloist, and says no. Nicole also gives the gentlest no she can, and poor Paula has to be the one who's talking when the unfortunate girl starts crying. Paula can't just come out and say no to her when she's like that, so she goes up onstage to calm her down. Buuuut she still doesn't say yes. L.A. says something inspirational to go with his no, and eventually Caitlynne gets off the stage and out into the White Box, which is outside in Miami, and sobs to us that she doesn't care about the money, she just wants to sing. Well, this may seem harsh, but uh...go ahead, then.

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