X Factor
Auditions #2

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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More of the Same

Montage of Nicole picking up the local accent, calling everyone "y'all" and "sugar" for some reason. [Note: Simon warned us about this! -- RS.] Next we meet Dylan, who looks like he's here representing Kentucky's Meth Country, having sold his truck and shown up here with a lot of swagger and a hat that he can't decide how to wear. Nicole asks him what's the first thing he would buy with the five million bucks. "A truck," L.A. chimes in. Hee. Simon takes pity on the clearly tongue-tied Dylan and invites him to stop talking and start singing. Well, he does stop talking, but rather than singing, he launches into a display of semi-rhythmic screaming and cursing and jumping around the stage like a lab rat on an electrified grid. Finally he ends up flat on his face on the stage, motionless as the boos pour forth. Eventually he gets up and leaves, while Paula is choosing to be distracted from that nightmare seizure by the "sponge" from the microphone. In the wings, Steve has the class to tell Dylan his performance was "extraordinary." L.A. marvels, "He sold his truck to do that?" Let's all hope it was a really shitty truck.

Wesley Kimball is encouragingly normal-looking, but his version of "Second Chance" does not deserve one. Or even a first one, rally. Nos for Wesley. Michael and Michelle are a heavyset couple, and Simon's eyes roll all the way back to England when Michael says he's a personal trainer. They're not bad singers on their own, except when they attempt to harmonize, but they're weird and creepy as hell. Curtis "Phoenix" Lawson wears a Nicole-distracting dreamcatcher as a belt buckle and sings as though his voice has been digitally altered to sound like a dragon singing through an electric fan, so he will not be rising from his own ashes any time soon. The judges are getting worried.

But not as worried as Dexter Haygood, 49, and from first impressions, he has reason to be. He compares himself to James Brown, Mick Jagger and Elvis Presley while dancing in his platform boots in front of a mirror. He shows off the cover from the 1984 album by his former band Xavion (they toured with Hall & Oates!) and says the music business is all ups and downs. Well, mostly downs for him, looks like. He hopes this will be his big comeback. Out on stage, he plays to the crowd in a way that Simon clearly has no patience for. "I know what's coming," Simon sighs. And it's a pretty good James Brown impression, which Simon clearly hates more than anyone else in the place. The judges basically dismiss him as a tribute act, but Simon invites him to sing something else. "15 seconds. A capella. You. Go." Dexter looks like he's going to have a meltdown, but then the editing goes all crazy, strobing back and forth between him and the judges, and just when he raises the mic to his lips, we smash-cut to commercial. I'm almost curious what happens next.

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