X Factor
Auditions #3

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | 1 USERS: C-
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Jump Around

Okay, New Orleans now. Since we're in the second hour, Mario reminds us again of the categories, which also serves to remind us that we have yet to see a decent Over 25 tonight. Backstage, Demi teases Simon with an alleged photo from his youth when he looked like Inigo Montoya, which of course she has already Tweeted. "Why do I hate you today?" Simon bitches at her. I am enjoying her more so far this season. Did I like her at this stage last year before she became a mentor and shit the bed? I can't remember right now.

Back to the auditions, which are starting with a male-female duo of hairdressers calling themselves Chloe J and CJ (Chloe J is the female). They've known each other for a year and when they get onstage, Simon pretends not to be able to tell instantly that CJ is gay and presses the issue of whether they're dating. CJ straightens Simon out on that, and offers to help him with his hair a little. Someone needs to. There's a little more repartee, and then they attempt "River Deep, Mountain High." They attempt… and they fail. Really, the only decent vocals I hear are the harmonies on their prerecorded backing track. As seems to frequently be the case this season, this is allowed to go on for far too long. When Simon finally calls a halt, he and Chloe stare at each other until she finally says, "Don't look at me like that." So Simon just declares them both "absolutely awful." He looks at Chloe's pissed-off face and says that's how he felt the whole performance. Kelly, Paulina and Demi all shoot them down, and then Chloe gets tired of Simon's latest gratuitous long pause and comes down to kiss him all over his head. Simon's a pretty good sport about it, and even says yes because it's not like it would matter even if he meant it. In the White Box, Chloe invites Simon, "I'm in Cleveland if you want to come get it, Daddy." I don't think he does.

As the auditions continue, Malie Delgado from Anchorage probably wins the prize for traveling the farthest to the auditions, as well as four yes votes for the next round. The chick Carlos Guevara was talking to in line earlier beats the odds and not only gets on camera again, she gets to the next round. So does a girl at the bottom end of the age range, some pretty boy, and a girl who claims to have driven 28 hours to get here. In a Flintstones car, presumably. And all that was part of a Honda commercial folded into the show. Yes, I think I just recapped my first ad. Damn, you, The X Factor. You have made an enemy today.

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