X Factor
Auditions #4

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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Storming the Stage

A couple of young dads bond in the line about this being their dream and how having a kid fucks that all up, though not in those exact words. One of them is single dad Jeffrey Gutt, 36, who has already sabotaged his three-year-old son's life by naming him Talon, so he might as well do this too. Meanwhile, Krysten Colon is still practicing for take two. Jeffrey comes out onstage to sing "Hallelujah," which he at least knows is originally by Leonard Cohen, unlike some other auditioners I've seen in the past year. He belts it out angry-style, with plenty of glory notes and a red face and everyone loves him. In fact, the judges have to wait a while for the audience to calm down. The judges take turns complimenting him, and as a rumble of thunder is heard, Demi says even God is rocking out now. Simon calls it one of the most brilliant auditions he's heard. Unanimous yeses for Jeffrey. And then Talon runs out onstage and into his arms, which... what am I, made of stone? "One for the dads," his buddy from the line tells him backstage afterwards. Wait, that includes me, doesn't it?

As previously hinted, the weather's starting to get as stormy as Britney's twenties. And inside, we commence tonight's montage of suck. Marchello Penn is in the middle of a falsetto abortion when lighting hits the building, knocking out some of the stage lights and the judges' microphones. Simon takes this as a sign from God that Marchello's done, not that he needed one. Soon it's storming hard enough to cause the roof to leak, but the auditions continue. God also apparently hates 21-year-old Byron Edward's rendition of "Chasing Pavements" as much as the judges do. Fright-wigged Jazi J, 26, is declared "very irritating" by Demi, and more wannabes are shot down while the thunder and lightning rages on outside. And then it's Krysten Colon's turn again. We flash back to way back when, when Simon told her he wanted to see her later with a classic song. Now she returns, and the thunder heralds Krysten's version of "I Have Nothing." She doesn't have a great grasp of the melody on this one and faceplants with particular egregiousness on the chorus. Even her family is cringing backstage, though not as hard as Britney. I have to admit that I've never been terribly impressed with many of Britney Spears's skills, but she is a master cringer. The judges don't have the heart to stop Krysten after asking her back, so fortunately the storm steps in, scaring the crap out of Britney with a lighting strike practically inside the auditorium. The judges take the opportunity this break affords to tell Krysten that her voice isn't good enough. Krysten doesn't take this gracefully, arguing even as her mom quietly advises from backstage, "Let it go, Krysten." Four no's from the judges make it official, and Krysten leaves the stage cursing. Backstage, she commences a proper meltdown, crying into her mom's arms for a few seconds before starting to Hulk out. "You said you weren't going to do this," her mom reminds her, hinting at a whole stack of pre-existing issues. Krysten proceeds to yell at producers, throw water at a camera and pick up a chair like a WWE character as security chases her out into the rain and her mom apologizes to the camera for her behavior. Oh well, at least now lots of people are going to want to work with her, right? Next week: more auditions, possibly unto the end of time.

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