Jordyn sings the opening all nasally and cutesy until she cranks up the volume, which is clearly torture for Simon. She even throws in a spoken-word interlude, making it impossible for the judges to keep a straight face, even Simon. That was so earnest. "Oh, Jordyn," Simon sighs. Demi and Britney both enjoyed her performance, L.A. says it was fun to watch, especially her choice of a "song that I knew gave [Simon] excruciating pain." Demi says she can't say no to her... which means she may have tried. Britney says yes, and Simon says that although he hates the song, he likes Jordyn -- but he's still saying no. Whiplash again! It's down to L.A. as the swing vote, and he gives her a yes. Simon takes it pretty well, at least until Jordyn leaves the stage crying with joy, at which point he demands of the other judges, "What have you done?" And that's even before her entire cast of thousands parades out across the stage and around to the judges' table to hug the one guy who said no. "It was the best thing ever!" Jordyn sobs, and we cut to fake fireworks going off over the Golden Gate Bridge in appropriately earnest yet cheesy celebration.
The parking lot outside the Cow Palace is finally empty, as the judges sum up the audition process, now that it's over. What none of them is saying is what I'm thinking, which is that we probably haven't seen anyone who's worth five million dollars yet. As for what's coming up, there's no host to tell us what the next steps are, so the judges talk about the future in the vaguest possible terms, and we see some quick clips of the standouts and meltdowns and weirdoes we've seen so far. And then there's the contestants.
Next week: bootcamp, in Miami. Where bootcamp is apparently one word. And guess what? More meltdowns, apparently. Can't wait.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.