So let's hope it's Lauren Jauregi, 16 and from Miami, to the rescue. She's there with the whole dam fam, like that sets anyone apart, but she doesn't seem to have much else going on backstory-wise, other than how hardworking and supportive they are. Out onstage, she sings "If I Ain't Got You," and amazes everyone with a voice beyond her years. L.A. in particular is transported, leaning back with his eyes closed like Britney's giving him a handie under the table. When she's done, L.A. says it was a perfect audition, Britney calls her "so, so good," Demi is really impressed, and Simon loved being surprised by her. Four yeses for Lauren. L.A. even tells her, "The competition just got stiffer because of you." If my theory's correct, it's not the only thing.
Oh, San Francisco again! I'm getting whiplash here. A cherubic, pigtailed 12-year-old named Jordyn Foley from Brentwood, California sports pink, sparkles, and an annoying giggle before making it out on the stage. Simon literally takes one look at her and gasps, "Oh, no." He also remarks on her outfit and compares it to Britney's "when she did 'Hit Me Baby One More Time.'" Britney's more amused than offended, to her credit. Simon just hopes she's not going to sing something from Annie, but of course she is, despite Simon's proclaimed allergy to "Tomorrow."
Jordyn sings the opening all nasally and cutesy until she cranks up the volume, which is clearly torture for Simon. She even throws in a spoken-word interlude, making it impossible for the judges to keep a straight face, even Simon. That was so earnest. "Oh, Jordyn," Simon sighs. Demi and Britney both enjoyed her performance, L.A. says it was fun to watch, especially her choice of a "song that I knew gave [Simon] excruciating pain." Demi says she can't say no to her... which means she may have tried. Britney says yes, and Simon says that although he hates the song, he likes Jordyn -- but he's still saying no. Whiplash again! It's down to L.A. as the swing vote, and he gives her a yes. Simon takes it pretty well, at least until Jordyn leaves the stage crying with joy, at which point he demands of the other judges, "What have you done?" And that's even before her entire cast of thousands parades out across the stage and around to the judges' table to hug the one guy who said no. "It was the best thing ever!" Jordyn sobs, and we cut to fake fireworks going off over the Golden Gate Bridge in appropriately earnest yet cheesy celebration.