X Factor
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Carla Sparks: C | Grade It Now!
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Two Teens Tumble from the Top 10

Today, I am thankful for rent-a-host Mario Lopez, and his ability to be so out-of-touch with humanity that he is the perfect host. He doesn't even care about hosting a show on Thanksgiving, because holidays do not register to him. Was this whole show-on-Thanksgiving idea Simon's? Because they don't have Thanksgiving in Grumpville? Simon and Mario probably put their heads together and agreed that they would get paid no matter what. Also, f**k family.

For the performance show, the Top 10 contestants had to dedicate the most emotional song they could find to someone, then demonstrate their ability to sing while crying. It's all about gratitude, or something. Dead sisters, God, "the troops," and parent figures were among the people thanked. Anyway, in my opinion, the worst cry-singers were Arin Ray, CeCe Frey, Beatrice Miller, and Paige Thomas. If Tate Stevens lands at the top of the leaderboard again I'll be very unhappy.

Britney Spears is premiering her new video on X Factor next week and I am thankful for that. Everything in the spirit of Thanksgiving, guys. Now we're watching this segment about a middle school in Los Angeles, narrated by Mario Lopez. I guess it's about keeping music in the schools but really it's more about Best Buy advertising right before Black Friday. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

The X-Factor contestants visit the school, split a speech up in true middle school fashion, and introduce the new Best Buy music room. It's decked out with unnecessary headphones, recording rooms (also unnecessary), and tablets. Gee, thanks, Best Buy. Nobody needs that garbage. But the choir gets to perform with the Top 10 live on this episode, which is happening ... right now! Thanksgiving!

The group, in honor of Thanksgiving, is singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. Some of the contestants are over-singing it, and Diamond White is wearing that stupid bedazzled baseball hat again. The middle school students step on stage and sing the chorus without emotion, but with plenty of white bow-ties, like they're at some kind of kids' Texas cattle auction.

It's official, Mario Lopez does not know what show he's hosting, or the emotional impact of what he's saying. He's a teleprompter-reading replicant. Khloe, on the other hand, cares too much because this is her first actual job. The first result is immediate: the act at the very bottom, going home immediately, is Arin Ray.

"Everyone is going to be sad to see you go, we all loved having you here," Khloe Kardashian lies to Arin. We loved having you here until you stood there and sang "Hero" all shitty, Arin. This leaves the other bottom spot wide open for CeCe, Paige, and Beatrice Miller.

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