X Factor
Results Show

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The Girl Who Lived (But Didn't Win)

Mario oversells last night's proceedings, but I think we're all here tonight for the double elimination, aren't we? First, the top twelve perform a solemn group sing of "A Perfect Day" by Lou Reed. Timely!

After a recap of last night's performances and comments, (including some rather shirty responses to some of them from the finalists backstage afterwards), we move right into… the ads. Woo hoo! Hold on tight, everybody!

Then we come back to the female finalists being forced to star in an Herbal Essences infomercial in which they sing along with the current Fifth Harmony single while getting primped at what we're supposed to believe is the show's "Glam Station." It's already embarrassing enough to make me want to reconsider everything mean I ever said about the Ford commercials on American Idol, and that's before the guys interrupt with some crunking or whatever the fuck to some entirely different song. I'm going to get right to work blocking this from my memory right now.

At some point, the finalists are all brought out, each category staking out one end of the giant X-shaped stage. Mario says one act is going to leave the competition right now, but "right now" in this case means after about a minute and a half. And this turns out to be the end of the competition for… Sweet Suspense. Everyone seems shocked, nobody more so than Sweet Suspense themselves. Their mentor Simon is also in disbelief, and not just because he's their mentor, arguing that were far worse acts than them last night. I actually don't disagree with that, but it's not that high a bar, really. He also still thinks they were great last night, but clearly saying so did them no favors.

Time for a performance from Selena Gomez, who got bumped from last week results show due to the voting foul-up that turned the results show into a second performance show. She comes out dressed like a dominatrix cheerleader and lip-syncs an up-tempo, but unchallenging song with the obliviously ironic title of "Slow Down" while getting mobbed by backup dancers. So that happened.

Coming back, Mario's ready to start giving the names of people who are staying until next week. The fact that Carlito Olivero is the first name called gets a pretty amusing reaction from Simon and Kelly, given what happened to Simon's category a minute ago. Also safe are Josh Levi, Rion Page and Jeff Gutt, which if anything makes Simon look even crankier. But then Restless Road makes it through, so that briefly improves his mood. Tim Olstad is also through, meaning Paulina's Boys have managed to pull off a sweep. I have to admit that's the last thing I expected. Ellona Santiago and Lillie McCloud are also safe, which means Simon's getting pissy all over again because Alex & Sierra are still waiting to hear if they're safe, along with Rachel Potter and Khaya Cohen. But then they're the next act to get through, which means Rachel Potter and Khaya Cohen will be doing this week's sing-off. Demi and Kelly both join them onstage to plead their singers' cases, because who wants to hear from the singers themselves at a time like this?

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