An hour into the results show, we're finally about to get our first result. Steve dramatically brings out Nicole and Josh, L.A. and Chris, and Simon and Melanie, like we've never met them before. It's time for Steve to announce who finished in third place, and without even saying the magic words "no particular order," Steve lets a long pause go by before announcing the name...Chris Rene. Steve acts sad about Chris's exit, but Chris himself is gracious, saying he's happy to have gotten this far. L.A. offers a few supportive comments before I guess going back to join Paula at the loser's table. Steve totally loses control of the other mentors and finalists, who start wandering off until Steve admits that it's "mayhem" and goes to break. And Chris gets to go get fucking loaded.

Back from ads, Steve's back up in his balcony, reminding us that it's now down to Josh and Melanie and cueing a montage of the "top five most shocking moments." This is from the whole season, mind you. Number 5 is Xander Alexander, who threw attitude at Simon in the auditions; number 4 is Astro's bottom-two tantrum; 3 is the onstage seizure of Dylan Lawson, the dude who supposedly sold his truck to get to auditions; 2 is the tantrum of "Chad," a relation of one of the mother-daughter losers; and finally, number one is the ugly-cry of Rachel Crow after her elimination. Do we really have to see that again? In fact, after the clip, Steve's onstage with Rachel herself, saying, "I still can't watch." Rachel's standing next to him now, and she seems to be in a much better mood than she was a couple of weeks ago, telling Steve that she's doing great and plans to steal his job. Steve obligingly hands the show over to her so she can introduce Leona Lewis singing her new single "Run." And then, wouldn't you know it, Leona Lewis sings "Run." Which would have been embarrassing for Rachel otherwise. Leona Lewis has to perform in front of clips from the whole season, though, which ends up rather upstaging her. After she's done, the judges each take a turn talking about the season overall. For L.A., the high point seems to have been Dexter Haygood jumping into Nicole's pool. Simon makes it all about Leona's X Factor U.K. win, because that's the most important thing. Steve does a whole extended plug for auditions for the next season. I'm not entirely thrilled that there's going to be a next season.