After the ads, Chris Rene is up to sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," which he apparently just learned yesterday, along with tips on how to dress like Bing Crosby. Again with the judges' comments. Nicole calls him a star from the inside out and adds some blathering, Paula calls him the most original and blathers some more about his style, and Simon says it was cool, adding that Chris is an inspiration. Chris's mentor L.A. talks about how Chris's experiences can change the world. Then there's the This Is Your Life bit featuring Chris's first grade teachers, friends, rehab counselor, brother Mike, best friend Zoltan, sister Gina, other brother Gabriel, mom, baby mama, and toddler son, whose contribution is, "I love you daddyyyyyy." Aww. I don't see Chris's old dealer in there, though. Chris is pretty wrecked by the whole experience, but at least he's able to speak to Steve about how blessed he feels to be there. Steve teases more surprise performances after the break, "and Justin Bieber!" Because Justin Bieber is never surprising.
After the ads, Steve angles for an invitation to Nicole's house for the holidays, which she dodges awkwardly before introducing Josh singing "Please Come Home for Christmas." Which he pretty much walks through, because who cares at this point? L.A. tells Josh that he's been the toughest one to criticize, and he made him realize it's Christmas. Paula talks about souls and magic and how much she loves him, and Simon asks how old Josh is, by way of saying he's represented his category well, what with being 30 years old in the Over 30 category. Nicole tells him how much she appreciates him and goes on about how he opens up his heart and soul and makes her want to be a better person. Like that's hard. Josh gets to watch a clip package of the teachers at his old schools, his former coworkers, his best friend, his girlfriend Megan, his parents, and his daughter Rowan, all of whom have supportive messages. I'd like so see just one person saying, "Dude, how did you get this far?" Actually, these This Is Your Life segments are really invasive, especially now that it's too late for anyone to change their votes. But we've got a two-hour window to fill, after all. Even when Steve promises that we're "so close" to the first result. I'll believe it when I see it.
Oh, and after the ads, it's... Justin Bieber! Okay, which is not a result, but hey, it's Justin Bieber. He's the result of something entirely different. Dressed as the ghost of Christmas 2045, he sings "The Christmas Song" that's better known as "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," in the most obnoxious way imaginable, with all these notes that aren't even in the song. And wait, what? There's Stevie Wonder, parked behind a keyboard upstage to sing the bridge for some reason. Stevie also contributes a harmonica solo. The judges are all standing up at their table, I suspect because they're getting ready to walk out. And after the Biebs finishes singing that, he doesn't have the decency to leave the stage, but instead launches into an allegedly jazzy version of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," joined onstage by an army of breakdancers. My spellcheck doesn't recognize the word breakdancers, because it's more up to date than Justin Bieber is. Then he stops before the very last word of the sing and invites Drew out to re-sing the last line, after giving her a big hug. So I guess we can take her off suicide watch now. Steve comes out to let Justin and Stevie talk about working with each other, but obviously the more embarrassing part is when Steve brings up Drew's fantasy of holding hands with Justin on a beach while watching the sun go down. "Yeah, that was kinda better," Drew admits. Except for the part where Steve came out and mortified her afterward.