For the next bit, someone apparently went to a day care center to show the kids clips of Simon criticizing people so they can talk about how mean he is. Simon watches in stone-faced confusion until one of the tots says, "I think Simon kicks the girls under the table." That almost made it worth it, if not worth Mario's announcement that Simon's expecting a baby.
Time for one last group sing, with Alex & Sierra and Jeff Gutt doing an awkward duet of "Love Me Again" by John Newman. Good job finding a song that's not in a good key for any of them, producers. That must have taken some doing. No wonder it's a song I've never heard before.
Then there's a video message from the CEO of Sony Entertainment, who acts like he can't wait to start working with whoever wins, if he ever finds out who it is.
Leona Lewis isn't the only X Factor U.K. alum who had to show up tonight to fulfill a contractual requirement; One Direction is also here to sleepwalk through their new Def Leppard-via-Bay City Rollers single "Midnight Memories." Well, Q from Skyfall's got some energy, but he's also subjugated his goddamn crazy hair with a headband so it's kind of a wash.
We're finally down to the end. Mario brings out the top two with their mentors: Alex & Sierra with Simon, and Jeff Gutt with Kelly. They take up their positions, and the three finalists do their best to look like they're not shitting their pants. With seven minutes left in the show, Mario says this is it. And then everyone has to wait until there are five minutes left in the show before Mario finally announces the winners: Alex & Sierra. Wow, who'da thunk it way back when? Certainly not those two, that's for damn sure. Simon gives props to Jeff, but says that he feels like Alex & Sierra deserved it. Alex and Sierra make some tongue-tied speeches of gratitude, and Jeff says that he's not giving up: he's still going on tour and making records, having met a lot of the right people during this experience. Though really, how many babysitters could he have met?
The stage is cleared in record time, and then Mario has the nerve to try to make the winners sing. Alex can't even sing the first few lines, but for once it's Sierra who holds them together, at least at first. They end up singing totally to and for each other, which is okay because that's what got them here, after all. They continue struggling through the song even though the confetti hurricane that ensues, and getting swarmed by the rest of the top thirteen en masse after someone released them from their corral. They finish limping through a version of the song that nobody will be downloading on iTunes tomorrow. Simon's final thoughts are to thank everyone involved, and I'm glad to say that we get out of here without anyone promising the show will be back for a fourth season. But let's not rule anything out yet, as much as we might want to.