Young Americans
Free Will

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | Grade It Now!
Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod

I have given up all hope.

Everyone is now dressed at Lake Homoerotica, and carrying around giant inner tubes. Terri wears a black tight shirt and walks past Ryder, who is smoking a cigarette. Terri sits down at the edge of the pier. Verve walks down wearing a tank-top and passes Ryder. "There's no smoking in school, Butt Boy," Verve snarks. "Huzzah!" come the shouts of Ryder exhales and says, "Rather ironic insult coming from you." Ha! Verve just stares because he's dumb and beautiful, and that's how he conveys emotion. He leans down to Terri and mumbles something about Ryder being "a jerk." Does anyone still call anyone a jerk anymore? Guys, try "jag," it's much more effective. Terri starts apologizing for their fight, because she's never allowed to be angry at him for more than five minutes. Ryder interrupts to say, "Hey, kids! Do let me know where you register. I'm so hoping no one's gotten you a shower caddy for two yet." Verve stands up, walks over to Ryder and punches him. It looks just like Edward Norton punching Brad Pitt in the ear. Terri runs over and shouts, "This is so not worth it!" Verve spins around and says, "This is so not worth it." He storms off. Terri walks off in the direction of the water. Ryder stares for a while and then remembers he's supposed to act like he just got punched in the chin.

Okay, and now for the most gratuitous scene in Young Americans' short history. Bella stands in the middle of the lake in her tiny bikini, splashing around and showing us her dirty pillows. Lots of slow motion shots of her running water over her small hips and tight stomach. She splashes herself in the face a few times. Nick Drake is still going on with his guitar. Bella walks, walks, walks and walks with the camera caressing her wet flesh. She does a Sports Illustrated-worthy lean on the pier as she exhales.

Scout pops from behind a tree and stops to stare at her for a few seconds. He doesn't even bother to close his mouth. He walks over and stands next to her. She pushes her hips up towards his face as he looks down at her waiting, dripping body. He sits down in his Capri pants and clears his throat. He says that Grace told her that she'd be there. Bella looks off, squints, blinks and says that she just needed to float around in the lake for a while. "Kinda make the world disappear," she smiles. Nodding and blinking. "I know how that feels." Nodding and blinking. Lip biting. Wasting my time. Scout gives Bella back the return address of her mother that he stole from her trash. There. Take that sentence, add nineteen stammers, an insane amount of squinting and blinking, a slow caressing of Bella's torso and some head-bobbing, and you have the last two minutes of this scene. Tedious! Everything is just so tedious! Bella asks why Scout would take something from her trash. "Because I'm selfish and I was gonna look up your mother." Your mother. That sentence makes me laugh for five minutes. He's already done with trying to look up Bella, and now he's gonna look up her mother. Hey, at least he knows she puts out. Maybe he and his dad can compare notes. Then he can be Bella's fourth dad and ground her until she sleeps with him. He could sell "Look up your mother" to Verve so he has a better Mother joke for the next time he's confronting Ryder. Scout says he still wants to look up her mother (hee!) but isn't going to as long as she doesn't want to. "Keep that," he orders her. Five blinks and two head-bobs. "It's your decision, not mine." Thanks, Scout. You're a fucking peach. A full minute of blinking and head-lowering as Scout walks away from Bella. I realize that I probably shouldn't have skipped my junior year acting class when we studied Stanislavski's An Actor Blinks.

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Young Americans




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