Are you ready for the show the Baltimore Sun said is filled with "exhilaration and joy"? The fact that the show is filmed in Baltimore has no effect on that review whatsoever, I'm sure.

And just to get it out of the way early: Thank you, Coca-Cola for bringing me a new meaning of "hell" each and every week.

Previously on Young Americans: Rowing. Will and his girlfriend Sean broke up and then made up. Scout started working at the restaurant across from Bella's gas station so that he could leer. (They show the scene where he's leering at Sean flirting with Bella, but they cut it so it looks like he's really upset about it, even though we know he made that face because he put his hand in gum.) The Dueling Saint Clares miss the shit out of Get Real. Sean and Scout got into a brawl at the World's Lamest Party. Terri put on her man clothes and talked to her mom. She and Verve were having uncomfortable non-gay vibes between them, even though they kept declaring all is "cool."

What's that low moaning? Oh, right. It's me. The next fifty-five minutes of television may be some of the worst crap I've ever had to sit through. No, really. It's so bad. Bad. Like, burn your television bad. Burn your television and then throw yourself into it just to burn the lasting images from your retinas -- bad.

And it all begins with Will's opening crapspew. He walks through a field of boys playing nondescript sports and delivers this voice-over: "Maybe it's because I'm young. Maybe because it's summer. Maybe it's because I'm here at Rawley. But there are some days when you feel so lucky just to be...where you are...when you are...and who you are. And you can't help wondering if everyone else feels as lucky as you do." No, Will. I don't feel very lucky at all. Maybe it's because I'm home on a Wednesday night watching your show. Maybe it's because I'm missing a party to do this. Maybe it's because this show is like a friggin' train wreck that makes me giggle with delirium. But there are some days when I can't help wondering if everyone else pities me the way that they should. ["I promise, I do." -- Wing Chun]

Lake Homoerotica. As boys fiddle with boats, Bella waves across the water. She is wearing a blue bikini top and black stretch pants. Yikes. Townie fashion. Scout does the required close-up flirty smile that says, "I like sharing her genes." As Bella slowly paddles over to Scout (wait, how is she on campus? She's a Townie), Scout smiles in an extreme close-up again. Suddenly (I'm trying to create dramatic action here, since there is none), a girl on a Wave Runner comes up from behind Bella, making some waves, if you know what I mean. Oh, whatever. Who gets to take a Wave Runner out on this tiny lake with rowing boys? She's the only one who gets one? At her dorm?