Are you ready for the show the Baltimore Sun said is filled with "exhilaration and joy"? The fact that the show is filmed in Baltimore has no effect on that review whatsoever, I'm sure.
And just to get it out of the way early: Thank you, Coca-Cola for bringing me a new meaning of "hell" each and every week.
Previously on Young Americans: Rowing. Will and his girlfriend Sean broke up and then made up. Scout started working at the restaurant across from Bella's gas station so that he could leer. (They show the scene where he's leering at Sean flirting with Bella, but they cut it so it looks like he's really upset about it, even though we know he made that face because he put his hand in gum.) The Dueling Saint Clares miss the shit out of Get Real. Sean and Scout got into a brawl at the World's Lamest Party. Terri put on her man clothes and talked to her mom. She and Verve were having uncomfortable non-gay vibes between them, even though they kept declaring all is "cool."
What's that low moaning? Oh, right. It's me. The next fifty-five minutes of television may be some of the worst crap I've ever had to sit through. No, really. It's so bad. Bad. Like, burn your television bad. Burn your television and then throw yourself into it just to burn the lasting images from your retinas -- bad.
And it all begins with Will's opening crapspew. He walks through a field of boys playing nondescript sports and delivers this voice-over: "Maybe it's because I'm young. Maybe because it's summer. Maybe it's because I'm here at Rawley. But there are some days when you feel so lucky just to be...where you are...when you are...and who you are. And you can't help wondering if everyone else feels as lucky as you do." No, Will. I don't feel very lucky at all. Maybe it's because I'm home on a Wednesday night watching your show. Maybe it's because I'm missing a party to do this. Maybe it's because this show is like a friggin' train wreck that makes me giggle with delirium. But there are some days when I can't help wondering if everyone else pities me the way that they should. ["I promise, I do." -- Wing Chun]
Lake Homoerotica. As boys fiddle with boats, Bella waves across the water. She is wearing a blue bikini top and black stretch pants. Yikes. Townie fashion. Scout does the required close-up flirty smile that says, "I like sharing her genes." As Bella slowly paddles over to Scout (wait, how is she on campus? She's a Townie), Scout smiles in an extreme close-up again. Suddenly (I'm trying to create dramatic action here, since there is none), a girl on a Wave Runner comes up from behind Bella, making some waves, if you know what I mean. Oh, whatever. Who gets to take a Wave Runner out on this tiny lake with rowing boys? She's the only one who gets one? At her dorm?
Wave Runner chews gum and comes up quickly, as the oblivious Bella is still holding onto the Amish technology of the paddle. Wave Runner skis up to Scout, who is standing with other slack-jawed Rawley boys. As she passes Bella, Bella pouts like a four-year old. Wave Runner greets Scout by name. He says hello back. Her name is Paige. She and Scout know each other. She just transferred to Rawley Academy for Girls. She is twenty-seven years old. Scout introduces Paige and Paige shakes Will's hand. This is just as boring as it sounds. I end up talking to my friend Rose about sex for an hour just to have something to do. As Paige stilts, "Scout, you look great," Bella sad-paddles up beside them. Will and Scout share a look. "Hey, Scout. Hey, Will." "Hi, Bella." "Hi, Bella." "Bella, this is Paige." "Hi." "Hi." Does everyone have everyone's names down now? Great. Let's try for some plot now. Will compliments Paige's Wave Runner. She asks Scout if he'd like to go for a ride. Bella looks down and pouts. Scout looks back and forth for a while and then stammers that Will should get the first ride. Since he wasn't invited on, he asks Paige, "You sure?" She gives a dejected, "Yeah, hop on." Bella smiles through her hair. As Will pushes the Wave Runner back into the water he turns to Scout and asks, "Whose life is this?" This is not my beautiful life. Bella looks at Scout. Scout watches Will and Paige ski off. Will is fully dressed. Like a big dork he gives a "Woo!" right in Paige's ear. Bella looks off all dreamy. So does Scout. "She's a friend of the family," he says to her. "You don't have to say that," she says. "I know." "And I think she likes you," Bella smiles. Scout looks at her. "So, I think you should ask her out," Bella nods. "You don't have to say that," Scout says. "I know," the entire world says in unison. I can never get those minutes back in my life, people.